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LOOKING AT THE 24 ALL TIME WORST MOMENTS IN WRESTLEMANIA HISTORY

Welcome back to “The Cynical View”, and the second of my Wrestlemania preview columns. The first one excited many (okay, maybe like two people), but nonetheless, I force myself onwards. While the last one concerned greatness (even though, as was pointed out to me, I completely neglected to mention Steve Austin’s last match… oops. I apologise, as I could undoubtedly remove the Gimmick battle royal and throw that in), this one concerns rubbish. As in, garbage. As in, Great Khali sized Wrestlemania turds.

These are the matches that each and every year, you always fear, as there is, without fail, at least always one. Look for JBL’s effort, or the Divas match to become instant candidates for future inclusion on this list. Mind you the competition is stiff. Just for fun, here’s the matches that narrowly, by the skin of their wacky teeth, missed the cut…

Billy Jack Haynes vs. Hercules (Wrestlemania 3)
Ultimate Warrior vs. Hunter Hearst Helmsley (Wrestlemania 12)
Bart Gunn vs. Butterbean (Wrestlemania 15)
Don Muraco vs. Dino Bravo (Wrestlemania IV)

But remember, just because they weren’t awful enough to appear on the list, does not make them good. One point I should add, is that nothing from Wrestlemania 1 is included. The reason is simple… ALL of the First Wrestlemania sucked. It was horrible. I had no desire to re-watch that abomination and stink up about half of my list with it’s produce. So I did the sane thing and avoided it. Here we go!

24. Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant (Wrestlemania 3)

Andre/Hogan at Wrestlemania 3 may have been the biggest “event” in WWE history, but the match seriously stunk. Revoltingly bad action, a storyline that was the best maintained lie in Pro-Wrestling, and Hogan lifting Andre “high above his head”. It was electrifying at the time, for kids who were Hogan fans, but with hindsight, it has little value now, other than as a testament to just how much we fell for in the eighties. The best thing about it was the amazing build-up. Jesus, Hogan was such a loser. Didn’t want to face Andre “His best friend”. Instead was busy telling everyone how Andre was the true champion, and the best. What a sucker. What a p***y. He wasn’t even over at the Press Conference.

24. Hulk Hogan vs. Sgt Slaughter (Wrestlemania 7)

No, I haven’t lost the plot, I just tied these two at position 24 because they were both so terrible. The old WWF, home of tasteful storytelling. While their fellow Americans were running around the desert being killed in the name of war, the WWF thought it only appropriate to use the situation to make a buck or two. Thus they did, by slaughtering the already flailing title run of the Ultimate Warrior, having him drop the world title to Sgt.Slaughter. I would have thought this to be a perfect opportunity to put Mr Warrior over like never before (not in the feeble way Hogan did), by having him represent America and take the title back at the Supershow.

But no.

Instead, the noble Hulkster was the one to get the nod. Most sensible folk meanwhile, nodded off, as the decrepit Slaughter lumbered about the ring, sedating the Real American Baldy with an array of impressively unconvincing rest-holds. Exciting, no.

23. Big Show vs. Akebono (Wrestlemania 21)

Something of a problem for these two guys, was that booked on a Wrestlemania, they were going to not wrestle, but Sumo-wrestle. Not the same thing Vince. Thus, fans would already have some difficulty in accepting this encounter as worth shelling out their cash for. Otherwise, they would have ordered Sumo-mania, yes? Another issue was the lack of hype, stemming from the fact that Akebono didn’t bother to appear on television beforehand. It was like watching the build-up to Lesnar versus Goldberg, when Bill was off in Hollywood or somewhere. Except at least the outcome of that, was you know…wrestling.

In execution, the “match” proved no better than on the toilet tissue it was first scribbled, as the sight of Big Show in a sumo-thong forced thousands into heaving wretches.

22. The Great Khali vs. Kane (Wrestlemania 23)

So Khali isn’t quite Giant Gonzalez in the abomination stakes. But he did hold the World title, and in that sense, is far worse. Here at Wrestlemania, there appeared a feeling that they had to include their overpushed behemoth somehow. Where better, than lumping him with the overrated, outdated Kane? Best to stick the bores together eh? Hence the stunned crowd silence, the sloppy, unbelievable Big Daddy style ring-work, and the sacrifice of a star who was at least popular. For what, a guy who’s hands are too large, and jaw heavier than a sofa-bed? Just tremendously bad.

21. Red Rooster vs. Bobby Heenan (Wrestlemania 5) Terry Taylor… one of the most gifted competitors of his generation… a supreme talent, and this… THIS is his Wrestlemania moment? Just not good enough. While I begrudge associating “The Brain” with any form of negativity, he’s just going to have to take the bullet this time, as this truly was hideous.

20. Butch Reed vs. Koko B Ware (Wrestlemania 3)

You know, you’d think I’d be all for a match that takes over a minute of collar and elbow tie ups to see either guy actually gain an advantage. But amazingly, it didn’t help this one at all. After a two-minute beat down by Reed, in which he clearly blew up and was worse for wear than his opponent, Koko made his semi-dancing, semi-babyface comeback. Then suddenly Reed won with a roll-up. Why even bother!

19. Doink and Dink vs. Luna Vachon and Bam Bam Bigelow (Wrestlemania 10)

A clown midget, and a simple clown as his opponents. Poor Bam Bam deserved better. Thankfully, none of the others did, getting what they deserved in this frighteningly disturbing match up. There was no part of this that was good in any way, although the spot that saw Luna land a Bronco buster to the top of Dink’s head was close to hilarious. Not so amusing, was the sight of Luna’s ill-fitting underwear creeping into her lady-sack, exposing the sort of sights that midget clown’s are perhaps the only people to enjoy. And somehow they botched the simple post-match angle. Clowns.

18. Little Beaver, Haiti Kid and Hillbilly Jim vs. King Bundy, Little Tokyo, and Lord Littlebrook (Wrestlemania 3) Okay, the thing with comedy midget matches, their saving grace, is usually that the midgets can wrestle, and fly around performing theirlucha-inspired maneuvers. Not here. The midgets grab headlocks, and are actually even more boring than Hillbilly and Bundy. Seriously. And their spots consist of grim clotheslines, and uncoordinated shoulder-charges.

Really, really awful, with a speedy disqualification finish. The standard of wrestling on show here is so poor, that you would imagine this would be much higher up the list. However, at least with this, you would expect it to suck. I admit though, I hoped it would at least be humorous. Instead I stared slack-jawed, attempting to swallow the flow of impending puke. Avoid at all costs.

17. Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake WM 8 promo (Wrestlemania 8)

Not a match as such, and even less so than Brutus’s usual efforts, but just as lame. This promo deserves a mention on any “Worst of” list purely for being so disgustingly bad. “Bruti” had been absent for some time, thanks to his Joey Mercury style face-mangling accident. It was unfortunate, derailing a career largely based on carrying Hulk Hogan’s bags, but at least, like Mercury, he was no DaVinci to start with. Sporting half-an outfit, exposing some inappropriate places, Brutus was granted a swift promo at Mania. A fresh start perhaps? An opportunity to discuss his accident, and the undoubtedly harsh recover period. You would think.

Instead, Beefcake cut a glowing, probably erotically conceived speech in which he praised Hulk Hogan. Huh? Yep, he merely informed us of how “dignified” the Hulkster was, and how he had always been such a “giver”. Yeah right. So not only did Brutus portray a deranged hairdresser, with a nauseating mullet, and a penchant for public exposure, he was also publicly Hulk Hogan’s number one stalker. Pass the vomit bag.

16. Mr T vs. Roddy Piper (Wrestlemania 2) Sigh, worked boxing matches in wrestling. Will they ever learn?

15. Men on A mission vs. The Quebecers (Wrestlemania 10)

Men on a Mission. What an outstanding concept for a tag team. Unlimited potential, a stellar look, the ability to capture the audience’s imagination… Ahh who am I kidding! They were an abomination, of a Red-Rooster standard. Thankfully they were short-lived, although Mabel stuck around for much longer, and can still be found marauding around whilst forgetting his bra.

14. Boogeyman vs. Booker T (Wrestlemania 22)

Kids love the Boogeyman. This is why your child should not be allowed to speak, move, or indeed watch wrestling without some form of control, and disciplined learning. For me, I ponder why a wrestling company would ever hire a man who gyrates to the ring with worms in his mouth. Even more baffling, is why they thought jobbing “King Booker” to said clown would be a good idea. Booker T’s Wrestlemania track record could be given a column entirely of it’s own, thanks to it’s ineptitude. In fact, that’s exactly what I’m going to do, so I’ll leave this for now. Look forward to a History of Bookercrap at Wrestlemania.

13. Adrian Adonis vs. Uncle Elmer (Wrestlemania 2)

I question the sanity of Pro-Wrestling fans from 1985. Fat Hillbilly Uncle Elmer received a huge pop upon his appearance here, despite his perpetually inability to not chomp his jaw, and his bright orange t-shirt. I struggle to think of anything as horrible as this, two mean battling, one wearing dungarees, the other clad in women’s garments.

At one point, Elmer threw a timid variation of a punch at his feminine opponent, and in the process lost his balance and slowly tumbled back, landing a spectacular distance away. Another classic is the novelty leg drop he attempted. It’s all summed up by the calling of Adonis’ finisher… “ a kind of head-butt”. Those fans who cheered… if you endured playground bullying, it’s your love of this that caused it. And the bullies would have been correct in their actions.

12. Yokozuna vs. Lex Luger (Wrestlemania 10)

Welcome to rest-hold city. It’s a place that Randy Orton can only dream of folks. It’s residents included the dreaded…. Nerve Hold! And the Nerve hold’s close relative.. Leaning on someone’s face! A two-and-a-half minute nerve-hold. God almighty. It seemed like at least twenty minutes. And what followed this? Some brief shots to the head, and after another minute, our friend Yoko once again, yup, leaned on the side of Luger’s face.

In other memorable moment, Yoko simply stretched Lex’s arm out for a while. He didn’t do anything to cause any harm though, or even pretend to, he just held it there. To Luger’s credit he didn’t bother to sell the devastating gesture, preferring to simply sit down. Ineffectual, lazy, downright disgusting, and offensive grappling. There was one highpoint however… Mr Perfect in the worst referee’s outfit ever known to man. Worse than Vince’s breast-hugging vests. Ever wanted to know what a zebra with a blonde perm would look like? This match is for you.

11. Undertaker vs. Pyscho Sid (Wrestlemania 13)

Oh dear. Undertaker, one of the main-stays of the big PPV, was finally allowed his big Wrestlemania moment, his raising of the World title. But in doing so, he had one big obstacle. And no, I haven’t suddenly went all Sign-guy and uttered Kayfabe, he really did have an obstacle. Shawn Michaels, magically, had dragged two good bouts out of the man with the Yellow perm, and Bret Hart had managed to accomplish something at least watchable. But sticking Sid in a main event was generally like tossing the feces of several men into a hat, and pulling out the least abhorrent. There was a slim chance that these two could pull something worthwhile out the dumpster, but alas, no.

So Undertaker’s big moment was a damp squib. Just think though, we could have had Bret vs. Shawn 2. Wouldn’t that have been nice? Or Bret vs. Vader even? Or Vader vs. Taker! But no, we had this.

10. Hulk Hogan vs. Sid Justice (Wrestlemania 8)

Sid nails it with two in a row with this abysmal main event. This has a special notoriety as it’s the highest ranked “worst” match I’ve listed that was actually booked as the main event. It’s also the most inappropriate one, as despite a fired-up crowd, this wasn’t a bout anyone particularly cared about. Looking back, it’s an awesome exhibition of terrible hairstyles, but little else. The actual grappling was less believable than a Stephanie McMahon pay-raise, with numerous risible spots and sequences. In soul-destroying slow motion. You may watch this and assume that the WWF went all John Woo, but you’d be wrong, that’s actually how fast Buttercup-Perm, and Old Skullcap actually moved.

Amazingly at one point, Sid repeatedly struck Hogan with Wippleman’s handbag, an object about as threatening as Bastian Booger. If that wasn’t bad enough, we were also treated to a ridiculously ill-conceived, and botched ending, that saw mist-timed run-ins, Sid kicking out of Hogan’s finisher (to the bewilderment of everyone), and the return of The Ultimate Warrior, a moment that almost redeemed this complete rip-off a main event. The one problem with this was that Warrior, post (insert enhancement here), had lost so much muscle, many believed he was dead, and an equally twisted nut-job had taken Jim Hellwig’s place.

9. Ultimate Warrior vs. Hercules (Wrestlemania 4)

A Hercules match on PPV always smelled like an overdue toilet-break. Ultimate Warrior’s were usually touch and go. The entrance ramp here was fairly long, so things weren’t looking great as Warrior expended all of his energy hurtling down it like a painted dingo. Believe it or not, it was no easier taking Hercules seriously before one realised he looked just like Eugene.

The two built their encounter around A LOT of punches, and practically nothing else, but even at they, were both completely blown up. They pulled out an inventive (at the time) finish, that saw Hercules apply the Full-Nelson, only to fall backwards, with both men counted down, but Warrior able to kick out for the win. Shame it appeared on a card that was stuffed full of similarly inconclusive matches, and this was one that needed to satisfy the unprepared crowd. It didn’t.

8. Undertaker vs. King Kong Bundy (Wrestlemania 11)

If you weren’t impressed by King Kong Bundy in the mid-eighties, it’s extremely unlikely he’ll have changed your opinion with this dreadful outing. Ten years later and certainly more than ten pounds heavier, the pale beast was awakened to do battle with the Undertaker. In other words, to be the latest huge man to job in a useless Wrestlemania match. It’s difficult to prepare the uninitiated to deal with the horror of this match: it really is appalling.

The dumb crowd went nuts whenever Undi went to the outside and plucked the Urn from Bundy’s manager, Ted Dibiase, and returned it to Paul Bearer. But he did so simply by walking over to him and taking it! Not much of a challenge really then. Otherwise, much of this revolved around both men not really looking as if they knew what they were doing. Hilariously, Bundy was finished by a jumping clothesline when Taker realised he couldn’t actually lift the lump of lard for his finisher. And the former Papa Shango, future God-father, Kama stole the urn back at one point, but by then, who cared?

7. Hacksaw Jim Duggan vs. Bad News Brown (Wrestlemania 5)

Classic, epic, exhausting, monumental, once-in-a-lifetime, glorious, fantastical. Just some of the words that spring to mind when one thinks of Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s appearances at Wrestlemania. Here, between shouting his infamous catch phrase, and stomping around like an over determined boy-racer pulled over by the Bossman, he brawled for ohh, four minutes with Bad News. Quality, this wasn’t. Eventually, the two got sick of punching aimlessly, and grabbed their chosen weapons, which led to a silly duel that saw both disqualified. Hey, why bother ending feuds at Mania?

Mind you, I’m sure Bad News would have been happy to see the back of crazy Duggan after witnessed the grotesque snot that was swinging from his nasal region at the end of this one. SO bad, it went beyond being “so bad it’s good”, and back into bad territory.

6. The Killer Bees vs. Nikolai Volkoff & The Iron Sheik (Wrestlemania 7)

This was stupid on so many levels. It was so dumb, that even Ventura and Monsoon had nothing to say afterwards. Obviously, you’re going to assume that it was crap, as it was a match featuring The Iron Sheik in 1987. That’s not good, and you’d be right to assume. Partnered with Volkoff it was even worse.

After a few minutes of “action”, that was bad enough I re-watched it on 8x speed and it was still pedantic, babyface cornerman Hacksaw Jim Duggan ran in, and clunked the heel, The Sheik, in the back with a 2x4. Therefore the good guys were disqualified. Now, if that were myself, I’d, as a member of the Bee’s, be annoyed that Duggan, the pr**k had cost me a victory in a big Wrestlemania match. Not the Bee’s though

Almost Hogan-esque in terms of gullibility, they raised Duggan’s hand in the air. Huh? Maybe they didn’t realize that most of the duration saw the camera ignore their match and focus on Duggan stomping around ringside.

5. Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant (Wrestlemania 4)

Embarrassing, just embarrassing. Their effort the year before was bad enough, but this was appalling. The fans in Trump Plaza went nuts for it of course, while those of us watching on our TV screens fell asleep. Thankfully it was short as hell. They locked up, Andre threw some ridiculous strikes, Hogan… likewise… Andre with the gasp…Nerve-hold, then Hogan’s comeback was cut short by interference, before both men used a chair to hit each other with some of the poorest chair shots in history.

Worst of all, the storyline offered the perfect excuse for Hogan to ruin Macho Man’s eventual title victory by stealing the spotlight. One good thing came of it though… this was in the second round… imagine how awful this would have been if the two had met having already contested a match or two!

4. Jake the Snake Roberts vs. Rick Martel (Wrestlemania 7)

Somewhere, someone thought it would be a neat idea to take two wrestlers, and yep, put them in blindfolds. Well, that would be swell, except the whole concept of the blindfold means you can’t see… something of a necessity in professional wrestling. So while the concept of this match tied in oh so smartly with the storyline that “saw” Jake temporarily lose his sight, the match itself was wretched. The two guys were pretending they couldn’t see for Christ’s sake!

So instead of wrestling, we were treated to two guys fumbling towards each other, every so often copping a feel. It wasn’t good at all, and even the indiscriminate Wrestlemania crowd took a little dump on it. Just think of the quality these two could have produced had this just been regular bout! It didn’t bother Roberts though, he has admitted that he ridiculously enjoyed being paid to not bother taking any bumps.

3. Undertaker vs. Big Boss Man (Wrestlemania 15)

So, you’ve got he hottest gimmick match in years on your books… the Hell In a Cell Match, already with a rather fine history behind it. Yes, fair enough, there was a slight misstep with Kane and Mankind squaring off on Raw in the Cell, but thankfully, no-one really noticed. As far as most were concerned, Hell In A Cell had enjoyed two marvelous outings- Undertaker vs. Mankind, and Shawn Michaels vs. Undertaker. Thus, the WWE, in their infinite wisdom, booked the run down Taker to collide with the over-the-hill Bossman at Wrestlemania, in this extremely demanding environment.

The match stunk the joint up badly, as the two brutes lumbered about in slow motion. It was an abomination. No-one could care less. To make an even bigger dog’s dinner of the situation, WWE in an attempt to make up for their lousy excuse for a Wrestlemania match, had Undertaker hang Bossman from the Cell afterwards. Seriously. They hanged him, and he died. But then he came back a week or two later. Not undead, mind, like Taker, no Bossman just returned.

2. Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez (Wrestlemania 9)

Poor Undertaker. Having a winning streak at Wrestlemania may indeed look fab on paper, but in practice, it’s meant a lot of dealing with overgrown, untalented buffoons, and for us… an array of piss-poor matches. This is the mack daddy of them all alright, Taker vs. Giant Gonzalez. If you’ve never been the victim of a Gonzalez match before, you’ll know who he is right away. Yup, he’s the chimp in the fake muscle suit, that has furry bits. Seriously. And he has giant hands. Bigger than Sarah Jessica Parker’s. And he’s about as mobile as an unconscious Big Show. Give you some idea of the quality of his matches?

His stuff was completely intolerable back in 1993, but nowadays, with hindsight, it’s not just awful… it should carry a health warning.

1. Hulk Hogan vs. Yokozuna (Wrestlemania 9)

Whew. After such a degree of complete and utter crapness, that my dreams will forever be molested by the spirits of wrestle-crap yore, we’ve arrived at this…. The worthless of the worthless. And it’s a humdinger indeed. A steaming, sweaty pile of turd that everyone should do their absolute best to avoid…. Hulk Hogan’s fourth WWE title victory. And the old baldster wasn’t even scheduled to be in the match.

Following a poor Wrestlemania (widely regarded as among the worst of all time), topped off by a dismal main event (Bret Hart vs. Yokozuna, a bout that despite being largely a waste of space, thanks to Yoko’s limitations, was also booked topsy-turvy to further send viewers to sleep, and yet is one of Yoko‘s best showings), the WWE then saw fit to spew it’s profits from the supershow, all over the paying customer with this abomination. You know the story.

Bret was screwed when having plonked the massive thighs of his opponent into the Sharpshooter, his finisher was broken when Mr Fujj threw salt in this eyes. It was a horrible way to end Bret’s groovy title run, but even more so at the card that usually provided the feel good fodder. The WWE’s interpretation of this was then to have Hogan come out to aid Bret, and moan to the referee about the incident (you know, because Hogan was always like, portrayed as Bret’s friend…..like, never).

Then Yoko, who now looked like an imbecile, goaded Hogan into a title match, which Hogan swiftly won. Yup, the feel-good moment was Hogan waltzing in an picking up the cheap victory. The dumbfounded fans popped hugely for the title switch, but they were misguided indeed, and didn’t reflect the changing tastes of WWE fans, who would go on to support Bret Hart to the point where they had to put the belt back on him. Two dud matches, but the Hogan one… A disgrace, an absolute piece of bile.

Thank for reading this gibbering rant. It probably made less sense than usual. I hope it was at least as entertaining as a DX knob joke, and more thought-provoking than Monty Sopp’s tights. If you have any comments/questions/queries/or anything to say, get in touch at bazilalfonso@hotmail.com, whether you agree/disagree/hate me, or whatever if may be, I welcome all correspondence. I have also finally got on My Space! So slabber to me at www.myspace.com/michaelwrestlingetc.