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THE CYNICAL VIEW TAKES A DEEP, DARK LOOK AT THE SPECTACLE THAT WAS WRESTLEMANIA XXIV

Welcome back to the “Cynical View”, and that bittersweet time of year again. See,
while we all moan, and complain going into the big super card, and justifiably so,
we’re always happy when it begins. It’s that one time of year that makes you
believe, no matter how bad the booking, they’ll get it right. No matter how rubbish
the TV show direction, they’ll give you your money’s worth. For us, it’s the
biggest, most anticipated night of the year. Thus, with only a hint with a cynicism…
my thoughts on Wrestlemania 24.
 
-The entire set-up in the arena looked fabulous, really impressive, and the crowd
exhibited good atmosphere, despite the fuzzy grey skies. John Legend sang the
anthem, before we kicked into a really good video package that indicated “anything
can happen” over the course of a year.
 
JBL vs. Finlay

I was surprised that this opened the show, although that isn’t to say it necessarily
was a bad choice. In fact, given the light-heartedness of the feud, and it’s silly
nature, it worked well, getting the crowd going. JBL’s midsection looked completely
bizarre, as if he’s enjoyed a recent bout of liposuction. Either that or he’s a pro
at sucking it in. Of course Hornswoggle received a bigger pop than either wrestler.
The crowd liked the weapons shots, although on television it came across a little
repetitive and bland. Finlay took a mid-air dustbin lid shot (that sounds so
ridiculous) as he dived through the ropes, in the best spot of the match.
JBL picked up a clean win following the Clothesline from Hell. Predictable stuff
towards the end, but still compelling enough. It’s perhaps disappointing that Finlay
lost, but at the same time, with JBL having just returned, and endured a rubbish
feud with Jericho, it probably means more for him to get the victory and give him a
little momentum. If they want Finlay to bounce back, it’ll be no problem.
Respectable start!

- I noticed that they had a really cool ring apron, and covers on the Ring Posts.
These looked really nice, and fresh, and are the sort of little touches that I feel
are really essential in helping Mania stand out. 

-Backstage, Kim Kardashian had a few words with Mr Kennedy. She made an absolute
joke of a backstage interviewer. Awful. 

Money in the Bank Ladder Match
Mr Kennedy vs Shelton Benjamin vs. Chris Jericho vs. CM Punk vs. MVP vs. John Morrison vs. Carlito

Hmm strange to have a ladder match placed immediately after a street fight? Big pops
for Punk, Kennedy and Jericho during the entrances. From the outset of this, my
friends and I EXPECTED a return for Matt Hardy, costing MVP the match, thus anything
less would have been a disappointment. It also appeared a great deal more open than
in previous years. Carlito, Shelton and Morrison clearly had no chance of winning
this, but it was certainly less clear cut with the others without Jeff Hardy.
Kennedy was always a possibility, though highly unlikely given his suggestion that
he’d cash it in immediately. MVP was a strong candidate to win, given their clear
plans for him, if not for the Matt Hardy factor. That only left Jericho and Punk. I
couldn’t see them having enough faith in Punk at this point to allow him the moment,
but neither could I see them wanting to have mid-card guardian Jericho (who can be
elevated into main-events in the blink of an eye anyway) go over. This helped with
the unpredictability, which for once, equaled the stunts and the excitement. At
times, this was incredible. At the beginning, Morrison pulled off a moonsault, from
the top, to the outside, with a ladder, which was dangerous as hell. Later,
Shelton’s bump off the top of a ladder on the inside, through a ladder set-up across
the ringside barrier, was nauseatingly brutal. My favorite moment however, came
when two ladders were set-up, with Jericho and Kennedy each on one, stretching to
punch the other. Punk and Carlito then both spring boarded onto the other sides of
each ladder, and rapidly punched at the faces of their chosen foes. Really exciting
moment.

The reaction to Matt’s return was fantastic, and one of the bigger pops of the
entire evening. Really good moment, and hopefully he’s booked well enough to sustain
that response through his feud with MVP. Punks’ victory was superbly done, and he
looked excellent throughout this (awful GTS aside). The closing moments with him and
Jericho were really well done, and laid some nice ground for a feud between the two.
Let’s hope that this happens on route to Punk challenging for the Raw Title later in
the year. At this point the fear set in that he would cash it in tonight for the ECW
title. If he does that, I’m going home.

In my opinion this was a much superior MITB to last year’s overbooked, scruffy,
dog-eared affair. This one was a much more structured, and better paces outing,
which allowed ample opportunity for each person to shine. It was positively used
particularly by Punk, Morrison, and Shelton, although Jericho was the focus of much
of the screen time. Really enjoyable.
 
-The announced the Hall of Fame inductees, who came out to the stage for a round of
applause. I still have no idea as to where the character of Mae Young stops, and her
actual personality begins. I don’t think she knows either. On one hand (Hand…see?
Ahh never mind…) she’s harmlessly fun, but at the same time, she’s uniquely
terrifying.
 
-Snoop Dogg and Todd Grisham were backstage. Jesus. What a horrible combination.
Snoop, as usual, looked like a bored, ignorant cars salesman with pig-tails, in his
efforts to be “hard” and “cool”. His buddy Festus was their too (huh?), who looked
marginally more intelligent than Grisham. Santino saved the segment by waltzing in
and referring to Snoop and Foetus as Snoopy the Dog and Charlie Brown. Awesome. The
Mick Foley ruined the segment.
Hasn’t Foley anything better to do? What a horrible appearance.
 
Batista vs. Umaga

This was an average match that saw Big Dave Batista increasingly be booed as it
developed. The most notable aspect of the match was probably the insane chanting by
the crowd facing the hard-camera, a largely Irish/Scottish contingent by all
appearances alongside a bunch dressed as the Spirit Squad, who in fact, may well
have actually been the Spirit Squad. The bout was actually placed really well,
slowly things nicely following the breakneck ladder match. But the only memorable
moment came when the Big Bap fumbled Umaga’s ass in his attempts to Batista Bomb
him, nearly dropping him on his own face. It would have rivaled Brock Lesnar’s
Flying face flop from a few years back.

Nothing especially wrong with this one, but considering how good Umaga is, and that
Dave can deliver, a disappointment. 

-I went to the little boys room, and missed the highlights of the ECW title
contender Battle Royal. But it was okay, because the outcome was more obvious than
the ending of Fight Club.
 
ECW TITLE Match
Chavo Guerrero© vs. Kane

What an absolute disgrace. So Kane won, in what seven, eight seconds? You have got
to be kidding me. After all they did to put Chavo over, with his series of wins over
CM Punk, they do this? The WWE just doesn’t get it when they do things like this.
Why expect anyone to give a crud about the ECW title, when the former champ looks
like such a douche? Fair enough, Chavo was a terrible Champion, by virtue of him
being a perennial mid-carder who clearly wouldn’t have been considered anywhere
nearly a threat to the other two “World” titles, automatically devaluing the belt he
held. But he then proceeded to be pushed as superior to the top babyface
challengers, despite being a jobber while in their with serious (Raw and Smackdown)
wrestlers. Losing like this, confirms that the entire ECW roster is a bunch of
losers, when someone from a “real” brand can demolish their “dominant” champion like
this. I’ve heard some feedback saying from folks who like Kane, and don’t mind
squashes, but neither Kane as champion, or the existence of squashes is the issue.
The issue is the circumstance, Ugh.
 
-I have no idea who Raven Symone is.

Shawn Michaels vs. Ric Flair

Oh boy. This one is going to demand repeat viewings, and not for Shawn’s unusual
Wrestlemania chest-wax he’d employed, nor for Flair’s absolutely insane robe. At
times these two were awkward, clumsy, and there was an array of sloppy spots. Flair
was blown up badly after about ten minutes, and HBK nearly killed himself by
executing a spring-board Moonsault onto the announce table. Flair’s conditioning was
horrible, and it really limited Michaels’ at times, who put forth a Herculean
effort. Flair’s pre-match promo was disappointing, as he merely said, “to be the
man, whooo!”. And afterwards, he made no speech whatsoever, which given how
emotional he was, is understandable, but still may have been necessary to really put
the seal on the moment. Not to mention, that at the beginning, Michael’s pyro failed
to go off while he posed in the ring, and he waited anyway, in one of the funnier
moments of the evening. [Note from Mike Johnson: It went off - the cameras failed to capture it.]

Everything else about his match was sensational. These two were incredible pros.
Going into this, I honestly knew deep down that they would deliver a good match, but
whether it would be good enough to equate to the expected emotion, and not be
considered a let-down, was a different matter altogether. There was the risk that
while expecting a HBK/Angle quality match was ridiculous, a Hogan/Rock type moment
wouldn’t be satisfying either. It had to be somewhere in between in order to
fittingly end Flair’s career. It did. The match, in pure quality/work-rate/whatever
you choose to call that, surpassed what was expected. The emotion was there, and at
times the fans (who at times I thought were weak, but it is probably the huge arena
that diluted the impact of their noise) were clearly in awe, responding to Flair
with a mythical reverence. The story of the match was really incredible, and
punctuated with some amazing touches (some of Flair’s tricks, the first drawing of
blood by HBK, HBK’s hesitation, the draining chop-fests, the fact that neither man
could hide their feelings, the impending sense of closure as Flair looked at HBK
before falling to a final Superkick). Flair attempted absolutely everything in his
arsenal to get the job done, but knew that he was fighting a losing battle- his
nobility came from fighting on regardless, and HBK’s from having the heart to put
Flair down in a an appropriate way.

The entire match was just ingeniously put-together. They actually managed to
encompass Flair’s weaknesses, and incorporate them into a story aspect, which served
to add to the level of emotion. They also fed off HBK’s obvious respect and emotion
brilliantly. A fascinating, uplifting bout, and a tremendous achievement for both
guys.
 
-Backstage Edge cut the promo of the night. One thing that had been missing from the
show until this point.
 
Melina and Beth Phoenix vs. Ashley and Maria

I was absolutely disgusted by this charade. Some have praised the fact that the
“workers” exceeded expectations. But seriously, that’s like sh**ing in someone’s
handbag and claiming that at least it wasn’t diarrhea. The longer fans go on saying
“the women’s match was what it was…“, the further we move from women’s wrestling
being taken seriously again. Jim Ross said last week that the WWE’s promotion of a
Playbunny match, rather than a straight up wrestling bout between two women, is
because the demand is greater for boobs than for actual grappling. If that is the
case (and with the WWE’s audience, it probably is), it’s a result of the degrading
promotion of women at the hands of Vince McMahon over he past ten years. 

The tide could turn, as proved with the great work that Trish Stratus did in the company a
couple of years ago, but WWE needs to exercise two things that it has always lacked,
patience and discipline. It also needs to treat the women as serious competitors.
Which means, that of the four competitors involved here, only one, in Beth Phoenix,
and arguably, Melina (at a real stretch) are Mania calibre performers. The only
viable bout that could have represented the division satisfyingly here, would have
been Mickey James vs. Beth Phoenix, or possibly James and Candice versus Melina and
Beth. 

Ashley is a disgraceful excuse for a performer, through no fault of her own.
She’s simply YEARS away from being properly trained. YEARS. That she occupied this
spot isn’t just an injustice but also a horrible risk. The worst thing about it, was
that she acquitted herself reasonably, pulling off some really nice moves, such as a
few hurracanrana and head scissors attempts. That doesn’t mean she’s improved folks.
That means that an agent has drilled three four rehearseable spots into her in the
weeks preceding this.

Aside from the action itself, the whole introduction, with Snoop, and the
“Lumberjacks” walking alongside his slow-motion cart, was outrageous, portraying the
entire women’s roster as harlots who “danced” awkwardly yet in a slutty manner, for
a guy receiving the easiest pay-check I’ve ever witnessed. And never mind that it
took so, so long, valuable minutes that could have been added to the triple threat
title match. 

Still, the Snoop clothesline on Santino was fun.  Oh yeah, and the lights went off, prompting sectors of the crowd to lose their view for quite a bit.
 
WWE TITLE Match
Randy Orton© vs. Triple H vs. John Cena

I was stunned to see this go on so early, and immediately turned to my friend and
said that it gave hope for Orton retaining. In retrospect, going with that was a
smart move, because not only has Orton been rather fantastic in the role, neither of
his challengers winning this would have given a Wrestlemania moment, anywhere near
the standard of Undertaker closing the show, regardless of how much the fans were
cheering for Trips.

Cena was played to the ring by a big band, in the most bizarre moment of the night.
Who thought this was a good idea? This special treatment they keep insisting on
laboring on Cena is one of the most obvious reasons as to why he is disliked by so
many fans. HHH was smart enough to avoid that here. Orton came out third, which I
absolute love because it emphasizes the importance of the Title over individuals
(Which subtlety then increases the value of those competing for it), and is
something they just don’t do often enough. Good things those lights came back on.
Immediately they launched into really fast paced action, which signalled that this
would be a shorter match than expect. Disappointing in a sense (it ended up about
fifteen minutes, but really should have had five or six more). Had the crowd going
though.

Cena didn’t look like a star here, as Hunter was positioned to be the guy
most likely to take the belt, but Orton having some really key moments that put him
over like a million bucks. About two-thirds of the way through, they pulled out the
STFU, which was dramatic, and then Hunter locked on a Reverse Indian Deathlock on
Cena. Awesome. He should be using that as a second finisher, making his big matches
far less predictable. It’s the one element of The Game’s act that could do with
tweaking- a submission finisher. Trips also stunningly applied a Crossface, in a big
spot, that had the crowd believing Cena would tap out. The finish was perfect too,
as Hunter hit the Pedigree on Cena, but during the cover, was attacked by Orton, who
opportunistically stole the pinfall.

Fantastic ending. Cena’s going to be on/off our screens for a while, so it made
sense for him to job, but the way in which they did played to all three men’s
strengths. As a heel, this is EXACTLY what Randy Orton needed. And thankfully Triple
h is no longer the only heel to walk in and out of Mania with the belt. Even better,
Cena’s undefeated Mania streak is dead, yay! The whole match was pitch-perfect in
execution, more so than Flair’s match, though nowhere near as involving. Very very
satisfying however.
 
Big Show vs. Floyd Mayweather

They showed an absolutely fantastic build-up highlight reel, including credibility
enhancing celebs and reporters doing interviews. Really good package, and the best
of the night. Show came out, worryingly to no reaction whatsoever. Oh Dear. A this
point I feared this would be a wet lettuce of an event.  It sure wasn’t. The two had, given it was a gimmick, celebrity showcase, an excellent match.

It was slow to start, and sure, Mayweather’s shorts looked dumber than the
Gobblygooker, but he slipped in his role fabulously. They did a fine job of building
anticipation for Show finally getting hold of the little runt, as the crowd built in
excitement. The drinking water from the Chalice was an outrageously sweet touch.
Mayweather’s handlers were all brilliant too, whipping themselves into a frenzy as
the match progressed. Mayweather deserves all the credit in the world for taking
some of the strikes and bumps that he put himself through, but they booked this so
cleverly that it did no harm to Big Show. Instead he came across as somewhat
affable, because the sight of him flinging his opponent around was so enjoyable.

A fine “spectacle” match, and one of the very few times I can ever remember them
getting either a boxer/ or celebrity match right. Well-paced as well, an very well
placed on the card. It was expected to suck so much that it actually lifted the
crowd as they prepared for the main event.
 
World Title Match
Edge© vs. Undertaker

I was amazed and delighted that Edge had the opportunity to go on last, in a
one-on-one match. He had the best entrance of the night too, and this really felt
like the “big match”, which I would never have said beforehand. Additionally, Edge
came out last! I’ve already said how important that is…

This was a really, really cleverly booked match too, which given everything that has
happened thus far, gives me the impression that they now have the perfect balance,
in terms of working with what they have, when it comes to booking Mania. If that
makes any sense. Edge controlled early, and had sustained periods of dominance,
which some people have said they felt was slow, but for me, was essential given the
length, and structure of the match.

It was really nicely paced in fact, and sprinkled generously throughout with big, dramatic crowd popping moments (such as the big dive to the outside), and a couple of huge bumps, that didn’t interrupt the flow, or the heat on Edge. It speaks volumes about these two that even though the finish was ridiculously predictable, they were still able to instil genuine drama.

The use of ref bumps was also absolutely perfect. Edge, even in defeat, even though
he cheated, still looked like an absolute star in defeat. A brilliant way to end
Mania. It also seems to me, that they seriously favour tap-out victories on the big
show, wherever possible.
 
Overall, this was a tremendously enjoyable show. The absolutely downright
disgraceful women’s match, and Bap-tista’s dull outing with “Umanga” as Regal says,
aside, everything delivered at least what you would have expected. The
Flair/Michaels match was by far the most absorbing and emotional, and in a sense,
absolutely perfect, although it lagged behind the Main Event, and the triple threat
in terms of execution. It was a strange match to define though, because while not a
true classic, in terms of delivery, the faults that prevented it from technically
being a “five star” match (I hate using ratings but bear with me…) alongside the
likes of Austin/Bret Hart, are the unique characteristics that helped make it so
involving and emotional. They incorporated the match’s inherent weaknesses into the
story, and made them part of it’s strengths.

The Money in the Bank was fantastically exciting action, although already I seem to
be in the minority in thinking it was better than last years. For me there is no
comparison.

Flair’s retirement alone made this a unique, memorable Wrestlemania. It truly was
special. But thankfully, they gave us a pile of quality action otherwise, and
ensured that this was one of the, top-to-bottom, most enjoyable WWE Cards in a long,
long time.

Thanks for reading this gibbering rant. It probably made less sense than usual. I
hope it was at least as entertaining as one of those Snoop Dog albums, and more
thought-provoking than Festus’ hygiene.

If you have any comments/questions/queries/or anything to say, get in touch at
bazilalfonso@hotmail.com, whether you agree/disagree/hate me, or whatever if may be,
I welcome all correspondence. I have also finally got on My Space! So slabber to me
at www.myspace.com/michaelwrestlingetc