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UFC ULTIMATE FIGHTER TV REPORT

Jason Pierce has been through a lot this season of The Ultimate Fighter. The American welterweight survived the casting process, the elimination round, and even an egg being smashed into his chest by universally reviled lightweight Rob Browning. How unfortunate, then, that Pierce has finally met his match – a staph infection that has plagued not only his body but his fighting spirit.

Last week, we found out that Jason will not be allowed to compete, and a previously defeated teammate will take his place in the final preliminary-round bout. We also learned that one of the candidates to step up, Frank Lester, has allowed himself to add 30 pounds since losing his fight. Pretty ironic that a guy who had his teeth knocked out, and presumably can’t chew, has gained weight. Anyway, that leaves Mark Miller…or does it?

We start this week in the Team U.S. locker room, where coach Dan Henderson lets everyone know that Jason won’t be fighting. Instead, he says, either Frank or Mark will need to step up. UFC president Dana White asks Mark if he’d like to fight, despite having suffered a broken nose in his preliminary bout, to which Mark says yes. Next, we see Dana making the same offer to Frank, despite his having announced last week that he is now pushing 200 pounds. Frank says that he is a fighter, and is willing to step up even when he’s not 100 percent.

Back at the house, several of the American fighters gather in a room and trash-talk a non-present Jason. Santino Defranco, Damarques Johnson, Cameron Dollar, Frank and Mark all believe that Jason used his infected leg as an excuse to not fight. Damarques says the show’s producers should reclaim all of the Tapout and TUF attire Jason was issued. Frank, meanwhile, believes that divine intervention is responsible for the potential opportunity to fight again, saying that “God wants me to win.” Um, if God wanted you to win, why did you lose your last fight?

As Team U.S. assembles at the gym, Henderson tells Frank to be ready to fight – turns out he’s getting the call, since Mark’s broken nose has prevented him from being medically cleared. As Dana lets us know how eager Frank is to fight, we see various shots of Frank at the gym, looking very worried. Frank can’t even wear his mouth guard, since he discovers upon putting it in his mouth that “there’s still teeth in there” from his last bout

As Henderson goes over some striking drills with Frank, he admits to being a little concerned that Frank is not fully healed after his last fight, but is still confident that Frank will at least give a 100-percent effort. Henderson then asks his team whether they want to start practicing later in the day, swapping times with Team U.K. You know, the other guys on this show – the ones who have been totally ignored on this episode up to this point.

Despite seeming sure that switching up the practice schedule would be as simple as merely saying he wanted it so, Henderson finds himself being challenged on the change by Team U.K. coach Michael Bisping. Bisping explains that both teams have now settled into a routine that shouldn’t be changed, but Henderson says that it’s only fair that both teams share the burden of an early workout. Bisping wants to talk it over with his team, prompting Henderson to call him a “little bitch.” Finally, we get the piece of tension between coaches that TUF producers have been hoping for all season.

After consulting with his team, Bisping leads them all into the Team U.S. practice area, where he confronts Henderson and lets him know that “you can’t have it your way all the time.” Yeah, because having to get to the gym early all season is a good example of Henderson getting what he wants. In the midst of the discussion, Damarques suggests the teams settle the argument with a battle royal, “Gangs of New York style.” Bisping (rightfully so) no-sells the American, then steps it up moments later by casually yet forcefully emptying a water bottle in Damarques’ face. Damarques takes offense to the gesture, which Bisping says was prompted by the “whiter than a Band-Aid” comment he overheard during the coaches’ challenge.

Damarques storms off, claiming to “need a minute” to regain his composure in the gym’s parking lot. Speaking of which, Damarques says he would fight Bisping in a parking lot anytime, then adds, “Bring it.” Is this feud-within-a-feud reminding anyone else of the WWE, with the coaches portraying Big Show and John Cena, and Damarques portraying The Miz? Anyway, Bisping announces this week’s fight between Frank and Dave Faulkner. Bisping also offers to switch practice times with Team U.S. if Frank wins, but Henderson says the teams will swap times no matter who wins.

Apparently we won’t have to wait that long for a ruling, as we return from a commercial break to learn that “the powers that be” have overruled Bisping. Team U.K. enjoys its first morning workout as its coach predicts Dave will have no problem disposing of Frank. That assumes, of course, that Dave will keep his gag reflex under control, as we are reminded that he has a problem wearing his mouth guard. To help solve the problem, he has enlisted the help of a hypnotist.

Cheesy chimes and a stereotypical image of a candle lead us into the hypnotist’s office. Though she at first seems genuine, the therapist’s tone turns suddenly robotic and monotonous as she puts Dave into a hypnotic state, telling him that his mouthpiece represents protection. Gee, really? What’s next, she tells him that his chair represents something to sit in?

It’s fight day, and apparently Frank has miraculously dropped 30 pounds in time to compete. I sure would like to know how that happened. Both guys are nervous in their respective locker rooms, with Bisping telling Dave to draw strength and motivation from his family. Frank worries about being less than 100 percent, but believes he will win in what he describes as a “glorious moment.”

We go to the octagon, where the action gets under way rather slowly. For the first 1:30 or so, Dave and Frank do little more than exchange half-hearted leg kicks. Finally, Dave ties up with Frank and pushes him into the fence, where they jockey for position before Frank pushes him off. They then exchange again, which leads to Frank Thai-clinching Dave and landing a couple of knees. Dave manages to get Frank against the fence again, but pretty much just leans on him. Don’t tell me yet another Brit is gassing early. The final minute or so is largely a standup battle, with a tired Dave barely getting the better of it.

Round 2 begins, and within the first 30 seconds Dave has let his mouth guard fall out of his mouth. Wow, who saw the hypnotherapy failing? The referee calls time and allows Dave to retrieve it. Though he started the round fairly crisply, Dave now looks flat-footed and tentative, and decides to push Frank into the fence again. Unable to advance his position, Dave lets Frank go, but within seconds is paying for it – Frank begins to unload with some big punches. So much for Henderson’s insistence that he stay away from loading up on his shots. The remainder of the round alternates between clinching against the fence and standup exchanges, with Dave looking exhausted yet still landing the occasional clean shot. The Brit finishes strong, yet both men squat side by side against the fence when the final horn sounds. Dana and both teams expect the fight to go to a sudden-victory round.

Sure enough, the judges have declared it a draw, meaning it’s time for round 3. However, a gassed Dave refuses to fight anymore, and Frank is declared the winner. Dana puts over his heart, but Bisping is unimpressed. Angered by Team U.S.’s chant of “USA,” the coach storms back into his team’s locker room, where a defeated Dave apologizes to his teammates while simultaneously saying that he enjoyed the fight. As if that’s going to win him any support. Dave is disappointed in himself, and says his next step will probably be a career in pro wrestling. Perfect – another opportunity to compete in “I Quit” matches.

Things are a little happier in the Team U.S. locker room, where Frank has managed to squeeze out another victory as a result of his opponent taking himself out of the fight. If God really does want Frank to win, this is proof that God works in mysterious ways.

Random thoughts:

Following his chat with Frank, did you see Dana go for the fist bump, only to give in to Frank’s handshake offer?

Wasn’t it nice to see guys like Mark and Frank, who actually want to fight, instead of people like Tait Fletcher and Kristian Roethermel backing out during Season 3?

Why would Team U.S. fighters criticize Jason for not fighting, when it worked to their benefit?

And, considering they could have contracted staph if forced to train with him, shouldn’t they be happy Jason was pulled from the competition?

After hearing him censored five times while speaking just one sentence about how Jason’s stuff should have been repossessed, did Dana become a Damarques fan?

Why did Dana suggest that Frank’s warrior spirit was the reason he was picked to fight, when Mark’s broken nose left Dana no choice in the matter?

How irritating must it have been for Frank to have Jason watching him hit pads, all the while offering advice and criticism?

Why did Henderson think the practice-time swap would hurt Bisping because of the early wakeup, when we already know that Bisping has a hard time waking up at all times of the day?

In fact, given his earlier no-show, wasn’t it kind of funny to hear Bisping blame Henderson’s desire to switch times on his allegedly wanting to simply “stay in bed”?

Why did Bisping bother trying to say the water-bottle incident was an accident, when he admitted he did it as revenge for the “racist comment” allegedly made by Damarques?

Did Damarques really need time to cool off after merely having some water squirted on him?

Wasn’t it funny to see the practice-time issue get resolved so quickly and definitively, after watching it become such a big issue between the coaches?

Did Dave’s visit to the hypnotist remind anyone else of Gave Ruediger’s trip to get a colonic in Season 5?

Are we really supposed to believe that Dave’s mouth-guard anxiety was resolved with a single visit to a hypnotherapist?

And if it’s such a problem, how has he already had several professional bouts?

After hearing him say last week that he was almost 200 pounds following his last fight, wouldn’t it have been nice to find out how Frank dropped back to 170 so quickly?

Have you noticed how, all season, Bisping has been holding a cup of coffee in almost every scene?

Was Frank the only person who didn’t hear Henderson saying “jab” every five seconds during the opening moments of the fight?

Knowing the condition of his face, wasn’t it kind of hard to watch Frank absorbing clean shots during the fight?

When Dave bent over to catch his breath toward the end of round 2, why didn’t Frank charge in and take advantage?

After fighting twice in a matter of days, Frank’s fatigue was understandable, but what was Dave’s excuse?

How stupid did Bisping look, kicking open the locker-room door, when all he had to do was turn the knob?

Did anyone understand a word of the discussion Bisping had with his four semi-finalists at the end of the show?

Was that Thales Leites hanging out with Team U.S. after the fight?

Why did Frank say that his victory over Dave put him “one step closer to becoming an official badass”? Doesn’t having your teeth knocked out, then fighting (and winning) another two rounds just a couple of days later, make you a full-fledged official badass?

Mark Carpowich can be contacted at markcarpowich@hotmail.com.