The loss dropped Team Rampage’s preliminary-round record to a dismal 0-7, which made the coach angry enough to demolish a door with his bare hands…and his skull. As we relive footage of Rampage going all Chris Leben on the door, Dana acknowledges that the door was cheaply made, yet still puts over the act as a major accomplishment. He adds that, at the gym, the last thing you want to be is a door, then laughs a little too heartily. Rashad doesn’t understand why Rampage took Scott’s loss so hard, saying he shouldn’t have been surprised by the outcome due to his poor coaching. Even Rampage doesn’t get it, saying that the door never did anything to him, then adds: “Door, if you can hear me, I’ll never do it again.” Of course you won’t – you decimated the thing!

At the house, both of last week’s combatants are showing the effects of battle. Scott says he is blind in one eye, and the other is severely swollen due to an accidental eye poke. Later, Matt limps back into the house, letting us know that his brain is feeling rattled. Ten-minute slugfest, signs of at least temporary trauma to the head…what better time to play a prank? Wes Sims has decided to throw Matt a party, which is suspicious given that they’re on different teams. As Matt tries to sleep off his injuries, Wes bursts in on him and starts spraying a couple cans of silly string into the room. Matt tells him to get lost, claiming that his brain hurts. Funny, the stupidity of this segment is making my brain hurt, too.

We’re ready to move on to this week’s final preliminary-round fight, featuring Marcus taking on UFC veteran Michael Wessel. Rampage says he feels for his guys, and after spending time with them really cares about them personally. He says that any shred of dignity that his team might be able to hold onto rests on Marcus’ massive shoulders.

The dignity of the team might be able to be salvaged, but Marcus’ personal dignity goes out the window when, at the house, he encounters an exotic-looking insect that, according to Marcus, some entomology textbook has apparently classified as a “scorpion/spider/leviathan.” The gentle giant screams like a girl upon encountering the beast, which he later jokes he did as an effort “to deafen the creature.” I guess they don’t call him “Big Baby” for nothing.

Michael, meanwhile, misses his wife, who is home battling cancer. He says it’s frustrating being stuck in the house with no means of communication, since he doesn’t know how she’s doing. Still, he says, “this is the price you’ve got to pay if you want to be great.” Some would say a genuinely great man is one who doesn’t leave his cancer-stricken wife’s side to participate in a reality show, but I digress. Rashad talks game plan, and lets us know that Michael’s strategy will be to keep the bout standing, in the hopes of scoring a power-punch knockout.

We head back to the gym, where an on-screen graphic indicates that a “Training Session: Team Rampage” is in progress. But instead of any actual action, we see Rampage sitting and joking around with Marcus. Great training, coach – this must be how a team earns an 0-7 record. Marcus is enthusiastic about MMA, saying that although he was an NFL first-round draft pick, he was never a student of the game of football the way he is hungry to learn about MMA. Rampage is charmed by Marcus’ habit of giggling every time he learns something new. Or is he actually laughing at what a terrible coach Rampage is?

At the house, Brendan draws a couple of caricatures of Marcus, and hangs them on the walls. Upon closer inspection, we see that someone has captioned the drawings by writing “suck balls” on one of them. Marcus is more than just a little unamused, yelling at everyone in the house and trying to make them feel guilty by claiming this segment would contaminate the sweet and innocent minds of his children watching at home. He concludes his rant by saying, “Thank you very f*ing much,” which apparently is OK for his kids to hear. Marcus lets us know that he is now angry, and is ready to rip someone’s arm off.

It’s time to weigh in, but before this week’s fighters get on the scale, Rampage tries to smooth things over with Darrill Schoonover, the slightly corpulent Team Rashad fighter he has referred to as “Titties” all season. As he makes peace with Darrill, Rashad grabs his breasts, which Darrill doesn’t like. As was the case a couple of weeks ago, they stand nose to nose before Darrill’s teammates pull him away. Team Rampage assistant coach Tiki Ghosn keeps things at a third-grade level, asking Rampage if he motor-boated Darrill. Anyway, we return to this week’s fight, which Marcus’ teammate Kimbo Slice believes will end in victory for Team Rampage. Justin Wren, however, says his teammate will probably win, citing Michael’s previous UFC experience.

Fight Day has arrived, and Marcus – who has very suddenly grown a full moustache and beard – is excited. Michael is nervous, afraid not of his opponent but rather failing to fulfill his potential. As Marcus’ coaches prepare to tape his hands, Tiki makes a stupid “that’s what she said” joke out of a comment Rampage made about Marcus’ gloves. What a tool. Has Tiki ever talked to a woman? Marcus gloves end up ripping as he puts them on, which apparently is done for the cameras. Either that, or we’re supposed to believe that no one involved with this show knew what size gloves the man wears. In the other locker room, Rashad tells Michael to not be intimidated by Marcus’ size. Thankfully, Tiki is not around for this conversation.

We go to a commercial break, which includes a vignette where Rampage and Tiki are discussing Titties. Of course, Rampage is talking about Darrill, but Tiki claims to have thought he was talking about the body part. When did this show turn into Beavis & Butt-head?

We’re ready to get started, and as referee Josh Rosenthal begins the bout, both guys come out swinging. Michael tries to rush inside several times, but is eventually caught and taken down with what looks to be a pretty decent throw. Marcus lands in half-guard and immediately goes for a kimura, then takes Michael’s back when he rolls over. Michael is able to reverse his position and spin into Marcus’ guard, but Marcus steps over his head and throws on an arm bar. Michael verbally taps out, and Team Rampage has avoided the sweep.

Afterward, Rampage claims to have been so happy that he screamed like a girl. There sure seems to be a lot of that going around this week. Michael is disappointed in himself, and outside the gym cries in front of the cameras because he feels he has let down his wife. Marcus, on the other hand, is genuinely excited, and says that next to the birth of his kids, this has been the best moment of his life. Not exactly a ringing endorsement for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers organization. In the locker room, Rampage tells his guys that a win for Marcus is a win for the team, then says, “Team Rampage for life.” For the sake of everyone on this team, I hope that’s not the case.

Before Rampage can fully get into celebration mode, though, he is summoned to participate in the selection of the quarterfinal fights. Each of the eight remaining contestants is brought in to tell Dana and the coaches whom they’d like to fight next. When Roy Nelson comes in, Dana’s mood changes, as he acknowledges that he flat-out does not like the former IFL champion. Roy says he is open to fighting anyone, which in previous seasons would have been exactly the kind of attitude that Dana would have loved. Now, however, it is dismissed as “cocky.” Dana tells Roy that his preliminary-round victory over Kimbo was not exciting. Gee, I guess it just didn’t live up to the five-star classic that Matt and Scott put on last week. The final fighter to come in is Marcus, who decides to allow Rampage to make his choice for him. Not surprisingly, Rampage wants Marcus to take out Darrill.

After another commercial break, it’s time to announce the next round of fights. Dana lets everyone know that Roy and Justin will fight first in a battle of the bellies, followed by Brendan vs. Jon Madsen, James vs. Matt, and Darrill vs. Marcus. Rashad doesn’t like that Rampage got to choose the final matchup, even though Rampage’s previous fight selections have resulted in wins for Team Rashad. As the teams break after the announcement, Rashad invites Team Rampage’s fighters to train with him, which prompts yet another bickering session between the coaches. Rashad says Rampage is a sucker; Rampage replies by saying, “Come lick on me then.” Man, I hope Marcus’ kids are in bed by now.

Random thoughts:

Could Rampage have stated the obvious any more by saying that getting dropped repeatedly in last week’s fight threw Scott off his game?

With hands like bricks, why would Rampage need to head-butt a papier-mâché door in order for it to break?

How ridiculous did Dana look, cracking up at his own unfunny jokes about being a door?

Why can Rampage apologize to a door, yet can’t apologize to his fighters for giving them poor instruction, no-showing their pre-fight preps, and bailing on them when their bouts ended?

How nasty was Scott’s right eye after his fight?

Seriously, what purpose does Wes Sims serve on this show?

As soon as you saw that Matt might be seriously injured, did you think that this was how Kimbo would make it back into the competition?

Did you notice Marcus repeatedly calling Rampage “sir,” as if he has earned anyone’s respect as a coach this season?

Didn’t Marcus realize that referring to a spider as a “leviathan” is the equivalent of calling a two-story building a skyscraper?

Even though it almost gave him a heart attack, wasn’t it pretty funny to see someone throw the spider on Marcus?

Why would the show’s producers let Season 6’s Dan Barrera talk to his wife when she was losing her marbles, but wouldn’t let Michael talk to his wife when she was possibly losing her life?

When Michael was discussing his UFC debut against Antoni Hardonk, why didn’t we get to see any footage of the fight?

When Marcus said he never became a student of the game of football, did anyone else think that maybe he would have if he’d been drafted by someone other than the Tampa Bay Buccaneers?

When Marcus freaked out over the drawings at the house, did anyone else have a flashback to Season 5, when Nate Diaz similarly overreacted to innocuous graffiti left inside the house by Rob Emerson?

If Marcus didn’t want his kids to see the “suck balls” drawing, why didn’t he just not let them watch this part of the show, especially since the whole season was pre-taped and he was probably home with them when this episode actually aired?

And why did this bother him, yet he said nothing about his kids having to see Rampage overuse the term “titties” every single week?

If you’ve ever seen Rampage interviewed by a female reporter, did you find it ironic that he said that people “should never grab someone’s titties if they don’t like it”?

Was Kimbo channeling The Ultimate Warrior with his rambling, nonsensical analysis of this week’s fight?

Why did Marcus’ beard grow everywhere but his chin?

When Michael said there’s no other sport like the UFC, didn’t he realize that the UFC is an organization, not a sport?

Wasn’t it cool to finally see a heavyweight with some ground skills?

During the post-fight recap, how many times did Rashad refer to Marcus as “Big Baby”?

Does this show really need a feud between Dana and one of the contestants?

Given the way this season’s first two fights went, why in the world would Marcus allow Rampage to decide who the best matchup for him would be?

Why didn’t Rashad think it was fair for Rampage to choose the Marcus-Darrill fight, when Marcus (through delegation to Rampage) actually chose the bout himself?

When the coaches were arguing at the end of tonight’s episode, did you see the spike.com ticker at the bottom of the screen, advertising a feature on Joe Rogan fighting “Wesley Sniped”?

After having already been teased with a possible Kimbo return when Zak Jensen suffered a cut several weeks ago, is anyone buying that he will actually be called in to replace Matt?

Mark Carpowich can be contacted at markcarpowich@hotmail.com.