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If I didn’t watch wrestling…
Much has been said about wrestling companies wanting to reach a bigger audience. The problem with that is they don’t seem to understand that to get a bigger audience, their product should be interesting to people who don’t normally watch it so they want to watch again. Bearing that in mind, I wonder what people who have never watched wrestling would think about this week’s shows. It might go something like this…
Monday Night Raw
If the guy with all the tattoos is saying that the general manager who’s also in charge of talent relations is a failure as an executive, does that mean this company doesn’t have any good wrestlers?
Why does the guy in jorts need a match tonight against the guy he’s facing Sunday? Is he planning on losing their first match so he wanted a guaranteed rematch?
When the guy with Christmas lights on his jacket took the camera and started shooting the crowd, why did the loud announcer yell “Look, we’re on TV!” Wasn’t he already on TV?
This video about the Royal Rumble has showed a lot of fat guys, but I don’t see many fat guys now. Does that mean fat people are no longer allowed to work here?
How did the Jersey Shore wannabe get such a smokin’ hot girlfriend?
I get that getting slammed through a stage would hurt, but the Jersey Shore guy only went down like three feet. Why is everyone acting like he’s dead?
Why did the crazy guy with the dreadlocks just tell me people wonder what else is on TV when the guy from the Real World is on. Does he want me to change the channel? And did he just say the word “nincompoop?” And did he then just start quacking for no apparent reason? Am I too old for this show?
Funkasaurus? Seriously? I think I am too old for this show.
Why did the announcer just ask if anyone has ever won the Royal Rumble from the #1 spot when that Royal Rumble video just said two people have? Didn’t he watch that video?
Do they always start their main events at 10:59? And at 11:02 do they always change their main events from what they’ve been advertising all night?
Why would the general manager tell the audience that his job is in trouble? If I get in trouble at work, I’m certainly not telling people on national TV.
Friday Night Smackdown
The Intercontinental Champion calling his opponent a “Wish-troll-meets-Japanime-loser” just might be the best insult I’ve heard in a long time.
I feel bad for the announcer sitting in the middle who never gets to talk because the other guys won’t shutup. Although it would make for a really easy job if an announcer doesn’t actually have to say anything. I’d like that job.
If all the announcers are talking about what a loser this Scottish guy is, why exactly am I watching him?
I can tell they don’t care about the tag team championships because during the champions’ match the cameras and announcers spent a lot more time focused on the dancing Latin chick than on the match.
But during this match there were people who spoke a lot of different languages so the loud announcer said “This whole match makes no sense to anybody.” I agree, but for most of the entire show so far. But I’m glad they have an announcer who is telling me how stupid everything is so I know it isn’t just me.
So they advertised a match all night between the British guy and the Viper guy, but when the Viper guy came down to the ring and started to fight, they send a bunch of referees and other wrestlers to break it up. Why? Was he too mad to have a wrestling match?
I thought this was a kid-friendly company, but they just made a sexual joke about the word “whackjob” and-wait a minute, did that blonde chick just bend over and fart?
The only good thing I can say about the “Funkasaurus” segment is that it was short.
The champion with the beard is a good weasel, but why is he discussing his diabolical plan on camera?
You can tell this show isn’t very important because they spend about a quarter of the show recapping RAW. Or maybe they think RAW isn’t very good, so they just recap the important stuff on this show so you don’t have to watch it.
So the chick who farted just lost in five seconds to someone who had never had a match before. I can tell she’s not important.
So it’s the main event and the “Hall of Pain” guy fell and rolled out of the ring so they went to commercial. When they came back, the short guy with the beard was hitting the big guy with the camouflage singlet with a chair. So did they finish the main event match during a commercial? What is it with this company and not actually delivering their main events and promoted matches? Why should I bother looking forward to anything they promote that I might think looks interesting.
IMPACT Wrestling
So the show just started with two guys spontaneously fighting over something that happened a week ago? That was awful nice of them to wait a week for their spontaneous fight until the cameras were rolling. Or have they been fighting nonstop since last week?
Tell me that short guy with the beard did not just pull a cup out of his crotch and stick it over his nose.
These women sure spend a lot of time posing before their matches.
So they bleep the word “ass” on this show, but they have a chick grabbing her boobs and smacking her crotch on camera? I’m confused.
So the chick who likes to grab her crotch is like a female Popeye only with a flask instead of spinach?
This bully guy is far and away the most entertaining thing on this show.
Ring of Honor Wrestling
Wow, these guys are really beating the hell out of each other in this Final Battle video.
This production kind of sucks.
Boy, this referee is really fat.
These two guys sitting in their fuzzy chairs with the red backdrop wearing their nice clothes look like they’re at Sears getting their picture taken for their Grandma. Only instead of getting their picture taken they’re talking about beating up two other guys.
So what was the point of the general manager coming out and talking about how serious concussions are, only to have the two rednecks come out and volunteer to get hit in the head with chairs by the entire locker room? Kind of a contradictory message.
In the “Tale of the Tape” for the main event, next to “Years Teamed” it says 6’1” for one guy and 5’11” for the other. Unless this is live, they should probably edit their show to make sure they are showing the correct graphics for their main event because that looks really bad.
These guys from Ring of Honor look to be a lot smaller than the guys from WWE and TNA, but they also look like they could kick your ass a lot harder, too.
The Final Verdict
Based on this week’s shows and this week’s shows only:
I would be MOST likely to tune in next week to watch IMPACT Wrestling.
I would be LEAST likely to tune in next week to watch Friday Night Smackdown.
