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THIS WEEK'S 'IF I DIDN'T WATCH WRESTLING'....

If I didn’t watch wrestling…
Much has been said about wrestling companies wanting to reach a bigger audience. The problem with that is they don’t seem to understand that to get a bigger audience, their product should be interesting to people who don’t normally watch it so they want to watch again. Bearing that in mind, I wonder what people who have never watched wrestling would think about this week’s shows. It might go something like this…

Monday Night Raw
Wow, even the guy with all the tattoos who’s in the “Elimination Chamber Debate” segment knows how obnoxiously stupid it is.
So the guy from “The Real World” referred to the guy from South Africa as an “afterthought”, who then waited a full five minutes before suddenly saying “Afterthought?” Did it take him that long to come up with a comeback, or just that long to realize he was being insulted?
When the showoff guy referred to the “Elimination Chamber debate” segment as fifteen minutes of his life he would never get back, I had just been thinking the exact same thing.
Why the hell would they make an action figure for the loud annoying announcer guy? Who would buy that? Would his own mother even buy that?
The balding guy with the gray beard coming out to music talking about being a sexy boy is a little creepy.
When he was talking about watching TV last week and being riveted to his seat, I thought he was going to say he was watching the Super Bowl, not this show.
So the guy in the hat and trench coat wants his Wrestlemania rematch so bad that he…cut his own hair. Okay?
Did the Jersey Shore guy in the wheelchair really just ask the guy in the fake karate t-shirt for romance advice?
I love that the announcers are bragging about how “Journey 2 Mysterious Island” was the number one movie in China and Russia, but “forgot” to mention how it did in the U.S.
The Jersey Shore guy angrily wheeling away while getting the “just friends” speech from his girlfriend who just made out with the guy in the shorts was priceless.
Why are they name-dropping Troy Polamalu being in attendance, but not actually showing him? And why are they saying the guy from “The Real World” is upset about him being there? Does he not like football players? Or Pittsburgh Steelers? Or guys with big frizzy hair?
Just how many segments is this show going to have revolving around the guy with the jorts, the Jersey Shore guy in the wheelchair, the masked guy babbling about embracing hate, and the ambulance? It feels like half the show has revolved around this crap.
Did the guy in the jorts really just blame the masked guy for forcing him to make out with his little wheelchair friend’s girl and turning the entire crowd against him? And to prove what a tough guy he is, did he then act like he was going to punch his little wheelchair friend? Because where I come from, making out with the girl of your friend who’s wearing a neck brace and then beating him up does not make you a real man, it makes you a douche bag.  Which is probably why the crowd is chanting “We all hate you!”
Wow, this show had so much God-awful crap that forced me to hit the pause button to take notes, that it took me three hours to watch a two-hour show. And I even fast-forwarded through the commercials.

Friday Night Smackdown
My inner sadist wants to see who would win in a 100-yard dash between the big guy in the camouflage singlet and the big Indian guy who can barely move.
Does wrecking the general manager’s office normally get you what you want in this business? Because if I punched my boss’s TV and flipped his couch over, I’m pretty sure he’d fire me and call the police.
Does the announcer saying the Mexican guys “are not thugs” as they go to the ring on their low-rider bike with their doo-rags and wife-beaters somehow make this whole thing any less offensive?
The little war dance or whatever the Samoan tag team is doing would probably be a lot more intimidating if their opponents were actually in the ring to see it.
Why is the arrival of the world champion at the arena “breaking news?” Does he normally not even bother showing up at TV tapings?
Are these idiots in the crowd really so enraged at the champion being a vegan that they show up to the arena with a sign with a cow on it? The guy is a cheating braggart who weasels his way out of matches and brags about giving a guy a concussion, but what really pisses these fans off is the fact that he prefers eating vegetables?
So the announcer with the dreadlocks says about something that happened on RAW: “I was at home, I had my popcorn, I watched the whole thing.” Then the loud annoying announcer says “You watched RAW?” Apparently that show was so bad that they’re even surprised their own announcers watched it.
The General Manager says about the upcoming battle royal “Any man that ever put on a pair of wrestling boots will get the opportunity to enter that chamber.” So does that mean if I put on a pair of wrestling boots I could walk into the arena and get me a chance at being in that chamber match?
I’m thinking they probably could’ve done a better job than to promote the main event battle royal as “The match with a bunch of random no-name losers who aren’t even worthy of entrance music trying to luck their way into a title shot that’s only available because the guy who’s an actual worthwhile wrestler got a concussion.”
So the goofy guy with the green sock on his hand who did his damnedest to avoid fighting anybody throughout most of the match is in the big championship Elimination Chamber match? Why am I supposed to want to pay to see that?

IMPACT Wrestling
I get that Brandon Jacobs is a member of the Super Bowl winning team, and they’re obviously going to treat him as an A-list celebrity, but to actual NFL fans he’s more like a C+-list celebrity. After the Giants’ win a few years ago, he would’ve been A-list but he’s gone down quite a ways since. These days, he’s just the second-string running back on one of the worst rushing teams in the league who spends more time complaining about playing second-banana to Ahmad Bradshaw than he does making plays.
Why is the world heavyweight champion mad that there’s going to be a #1 contender’s match? Did he think beating the guy with the multi-colored hair meant he would never have to defend the belt again? Has he seen any other sport where they make one permanent champion and then stop?
That was nice of the two women who got eliminated early in the battle royal early to politely wait just outside the ring so they could catch the little Latin girl who got thrown out to right where they happened to be standing five minutes later.
Why are they focusing on the cowboy guy punching a hole in the wall as though it makes him a badass? I’ve done that plenty of times and it usually just means I’ve been drinking, not that I’m a badass.
So the chick who takes a flask to the ring and likes smacking her boobs and grabbing her crotch was really upset that she didn’t get anything for Valentine’s day from the little lumberjack-looking guy? Those characteristics seem to be at odds with one another.
Is taking off your opponents shoes and socks acceptable strategy in a wrestling match? Because in every other sport, taking clothes off your opponent seems to be frowned upon.
Wow, the cowboy guy looks really small next to Brandon Jacobs.
So this show had a world title match, and a #1 contender’s match, but the show closes with the general manager and the Giants’ second-string running back talking? Kind of an anti-climatic finish if you ask me.

Ring of Honor Wrestling
The guy with the M on his ass and the bleached blond swirl on one side of otherwise naturally-colored hair looks extremely ridiculous. To the point where I can’t possibly take him seriously.
Let me get this straight, the fat scraggly dude comes to the ring, interrupts a match, and attacks both guys. Then, a guy at the commentary table gets up to go to the ring and stand up to the fat scraggly dude, and security comes out to detain HIM, and not the fat scraggly dude who just interrupted the show and attacked two guys? That would be like me holding up a bank and the cops come and detain the teller while I stand there waving around the money I just stole from him.
I can’t understand a word of what #DemBoys are saying, I’m just wondering what happened to #DemTeeth.
Who has a baseball bat just sitting backstage for no apparent reason at a wrestling match? More importantly, who intentionally uses said bat and gets themselves disqualified in a match with $10,000 on the line?

The Final Verdict
Based on this week’s shows and this week’s shows only:
I would be MOST likely to tune in next week to watch IMPACT! Wrestling.
I would be LEAST likely to tune in next week to watch Monday Night Raw.

Running Total Score:
Monday Night Raw:             0 Most 2 Least
Friday Night Smackdown:   0 Most 2 Least
IMPACT! Wrestling:              4 Most 0 Least  
Ring of Honor Wrestling:     0 Most 0 Least