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THIS WEEK'S 'IF I DIDN'T WATCH WRESTLING'

If I didn’t watch wrestling…
Much has been said about wrestling companies wanting to reach a bigger audience. The problem with that is they don’t seem to understand that to get a bigger audience, their product should be interesting to people who don’t normally watch it so they want to watch again. Bearing that in mind, I wonder what people who have never watched wrestling would think about this week’s shows. It might go something like this…

Monday Night Raw
When the guy with all the tattoos sarcastically asked the guy with the Christmas lights on his jacket if he had invented Canada, did it occur to him that nobody would ever take credit for inventing Canada? That would be like bragging about being the mastermind behind the XFL. I kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid, Canada, I kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid.
When the two GMs’ sidekicks came down to the announce table to be next to their respective GMs, why didn’t anyone get them chairs? Or can WWE not afford any additional chairs in these difficult economic times?
They’re even listing Twitter handles for their DVD releases? Seriously?
Did the announcer just say that the tag team division is heating up, then talk about how last week two guys that had never tagged before beat the tag team champions? That doesn’t sound like the division is heating up. That sounds like the division sucks. Or maybe by heating up, he meant that almost all the participants in this three team match were about to get demolished by the masked guy for no apparent reason.
Did the announcer really just point out that just because people are talking about the “hoski” on Twitter doesn’t necessarily mean it’s positive, after they’ve been bragging all night about how people have been talking about everything on Twitter?
And then the same announcer just said that he didn’t used to like the pasty Irish guy because he kicked him in the face, but now he does like him. He is a far more forgiving man than I am.
Wow, Dwayne Johnson can get people to chant ANYTHING.
Double wow, a “missing balls” chant. To quote a recent Futurama, “The list of things that I have heard now includes everything.

Friday Night Smackdown
Couldn’t they have eliminated the long boring opening talking segment and just started with the match instead? The talking didn’t add a thing or make me any more excited to see the match.
So what big differences are there supposed to be when the RAW and Smackdown GMs trade places for a week? Especially considering the two shows have pretty much the same wrestlers and both GMs have been appearing on both shows anyway.
How did the referee see the Showoff guy’s foot on the rope, but he didn’t see his manager lady put it there?
Did this chick really just fart and then brag about how much it stinks?
Says the dreadlocked announcer, “She’s looking good. She’s got the body, she’s got it going on. She’s talking about using people. I’d let her use me, but that’s another story. But she’s all wrong about how she’s doing things. That’s my opinion.” So it would be okay for her to use him, but it’s not okay for her to use other people? Got it.
And now he’s explaining the farting chick away by saying it’s because she’s working out and drinking protein shakes. Oh wait, now it’s because Irritable Bowel Syndrome runs in the family. On the one hand, it’s so terrible, that I would really like to know what idiot decided to give this guy a microphone. On the other hand, it’s so hilarious, that I would really like to know what genius decided to give this guy a microphone.
Why would you bring in an underperforming employee, give him a big contract, THEN tell him to pick his game up? I wish I could suck at my job and get rewarded with a raise.

IMPACT Wrestling
The bald crazy-looking guy reading off his cue cards looks like a 4th-grader giving a book report.
And now he’s saying the guy with the multi-colored hair isn’t champion because he has lots of colored hair and he has freakin socks on his freakin arms? What does one have to do with the other?
Don’t the two champions kind of have a point about the older GM booking himself into a PPV main event rather than give the spotlight to a younger guy with more upside?
Why are this bully guy’s calves such a focal point when he talks?
I realize it’s done for bluster, but is it really necessary to have a guy bragging about putting another guy in the hospital with a serious neck injury?
Why would the masked guy’s family be contacting TNA to ask if they know about his disappearing a couple months ago? Shouldn’t they probably be calling the police, rather than a wrestling company? And shouldn’t they have done it when he disappeared and not wait around for awhile just in case he was out drinking for an entire month?
Why does the Cowboy guy’s “Closing Time” move set up his “Last Call” move? Shouldn’t it be the other way around?

Ring of Honor Wrestling
When bleeping the word “dumbass,” why exactly did they bleep the “dumb” part, rather than the “ass” part?
Is there a rule in ROH that every match must contain at least one person performing a dive through the ropes to the outside of the ring?
This redhead doing the interviews isn’t a very good talker for someone whose job it is to talk on a microphone.
Is it normal for half the locker room to casually walk down to the ring during matches? And if they all wanted to watch the match, why didn’t they come out at the beginning, rather than all being casually late?
The Final Verdict
Based on this week’s shows and this week’s shows only:
I would be MOST likely to tune in next week to watch Monday Night RAW.
I would be LEAST likely to tune in next week to watch Friday Night Smackdown.

Running Total Score:
Monday Night Raw:             1 Most 3 Least
Friday Night Smackdown:   1 Most 3 Least
IMPACT! Wrestling:              4 Most 0 Least  
Ring of Honor Wrestling:     0 Most 0 Least