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If I didn’t watch wrestling…
Much has been said about wrestling companies wanting to reach a bigger audience. The problem with that is they don’t seem to understand that to get a bigger audience, their product should be interesting to people who don’t normally watch it so they want to watch again. Bearing that in mind, I wonder what people who have never watched wrestling would think about this week’s shows. It might go something like this…
Monday Night Raw
Dwayne Johnson says “Do you have any idea how much you’ve gotta suck to get cut from the Canadian Football League?” Oh so true. Those CFLers really aren’t very good.
If the fat white guy they’re pretending is Japanese is a former WWE star, why did the WWE announcer have to do research to find that out? Was he that unremarkable that the company announcers don’t know who he is without researching him?
Why is forcing wrestlers to wrestle matches being treated as a punishment? It’s their job. When my boss tells me to do something that’s in my job description, he doesn’t cackle like a super villain while doing it.
Why the hell are all the fans chanting “YES!” at anything and everything all night?
You’re telling me the “World’s Strongest Man” didn’t know that he couldn’t win the title via disqualification? So is he the Donovan McNabb of the WWE?
Guy pours Jack Daniels all over another guy, and the surrounding floor. Guy then tries to kick other guy and slips and falls on all the Jack Daniels he just poured on him. I suppose there’s a lesson in here somewhere.
And now the crowd is chanting “Si!” at the Mexican wrestler with the Spanish-speaking ring announcer. Seriously, what the hell is going on with his crowd?
So the guy in the jorts just got to the arena at 10:50 when the event started at 9:00? I wish I could be an hour and fifty minutes late for work and not get in trouble.
“There will be some critics that make last night’s moment the most important of my career.” This from the exact same guy from whom we’ve seen clips ALL NIGHT LONG wherein he himself talked about how last night was the most important in his entire career.
Okay, I just have to ask if the guy in jorts is extremely brave or extremely stupid. If Brock Lesnar was eyeballing me the way he was eyeballing him, I would promptly piss my pants, then run to the nearest hiding place, but the guy in jorts just stood there smirking and tried to shake his hand like a total moron.
The crowd really, really made this show a lot of fun to watch.
Friday Night Smackdown
Wow, there are actually people in the crowd who bought T-shirts with the different GMs’ pictures on them?
Okay timeout, so the board of directors established a college fund for the previous GM’s grandkids for some unknown reason, and for some other equally unknown reason they instructed it to be controlled by whoever happens to be running Smackdown, rather than by the guy whose grandkids it was actually set up for. So now the new evil GM has taken over and is essentially threatening to embezzle this money on national television if the old GM doesn’t take a humiliating job and be a glorified punching bag for the new evil GM? Realistic much?
Why the hell did they give this no-name wrestler who can barely talk a mic just so he could talk about how Orlando is supposed to be the happiest place on “Erf”, yet it has the rudest people on “Erf?”
Doesn’t the loud, annoying announcer kind of have a point about how the Barbie-looking chick has no business at ringside for the womens’ champion’s match? Especially considering she caused a distraction that lead to the champion losing?
And then their new world heavyweight champion lost his very first match as champion following the WWE champion losing his match on Monday. So do all their champions just really suck or what? Because they sure seem to lose a lot.
IMPACT Wrestling
WWE and TNA both had on-camera staff meetings this week? Are their staff meetings so much more exciting than normal people’s that they assumed we would all want to watch? Because I think staff meetings are pretty boring.
I love how the old guy put his cell phone on speaker so the camera man standing right next to him could catch all of his private phone conversation with his buddy.
So this guy with the suit and glasses was lifting up catering pans to look for his missing brother? Is his missing brother a juicy steak dinner?
I did not need a mental image of Hulk Hogan dressing up in a nurse’s uniform to help his buddy get better.
What’s the over/under on the number of times Hulk Hogan uses the word “brother” in a show?
Wait a minute, if the snarky old guy’s team loses the big cage match to his kid’s team, then he has to stop using his own legal name, even when he’s not on this show, and he actually agreed to that ridiculous stipulation? Um, what the hell?
Now the referee gets “knocked out” just long enough to let the champion break a beer bottle over his opponent’s head, and when the referee “wakes up” he doesn’t bother to question why there’s beer and broken glass all around the ring, despite the fact he has to move around the broken glass to do the pin count? Is broken glass in a wrestling ring that normal of an occurrence that it doesn’t faze him?
Are all wrestling referees just totally incompetent buffoons? You have Smackdown where the main event ended with the referee disqualifying someone for using a chair when they hadn’t. And you have Impact, where the main event ended with the referee counting the pin without questioning why the ring is full of beer and broken glass. If, in fact, wrestling referees are all such incompetent buffoons, why don’t they use instant replay?
Ring of Honor Wrestling
Why is the “Dominant Male” accompanied to the ring by four different people when none of them really add anything to him or to the match? Seems like a waste of payroll to me.
Wow, “one of the best on the Maryland scene” in his proving ground match tapped out within thirty seconds after getting in exactly zero moves? So I take it “the Maryland scene” really sucks?
If all of “The Prodigy’s friends are going to interfere in his matches, then why are they allowed at ringside?
The Final Verdict
Based on this week’s shows and this week’s shows only:
I would be MOST likely to tune in next week to watch Monday Night RAW
I would be LEAST likely to tune in next week to watch IMPACT Wrestling
Running Total Score:
Monday Night Raw: 4 Most 3 Least
Friday Night Smackdown: 1 Most 5 Least
IMPACT! Wrestling: 6 Most 1 Least
Ring of Honor Wrestling: 0 Most 2 Least
