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If I didn’t watch wrestling…
Much has been said about wrestling companies wanting to reach a bigger audience. The problem with that is they don’t seem to understand that to get a bigger audience, their product should be interesting to people who don’t normally watch it so they want to watch again. Bearing that in mind, I wonder what people who have never watched wrestling would think about this week’s shows. It might go something like this…
Monday Night Raw
WHAT THE HELL? WHAT THE HELL? WHAT THE HELL? THIS GUY IN JORTS IS SUCH A TERRIBLE ACTOR! WHAT THE HELL? I MEAN WHAT THE HELL?
The evil GM’s doctor must not be very good if all they could tell him was that he had 17 “possible” injuries. You’d think a doctor could tell if you actually had an injury or not.
So now the big guy has an “iron-clad” contract? As opposed to the regular-ass contract he got fired from last week? So why didn’t he get an “iron-clad” contract in the first place?
Five minutes after the evil GM said that anyone who “lays a finger on him” would be IMMEDIATELY fired, the pasty redhead bowled him right over, so the GM IMMEDIATELY…booked him in a wrestling match? Maybe tomorrow at work I’ll bull rush my boss and he’ll IMMEDIATELY tell me to do all my regular work duties and go home as normal at my regular time. Man, that would be terrible.
Oh my God, this half hour opening segment has me wanting to stab my eyes out with a fork and saw my ears off with a rusty bandsaw. I’m not going to make it through two hours.
And now there’s an “R-rolling” contest between the Mexican ring announcer and the guy with the sock on his hand. I challenge you to find anyone over ten years old who’s actually entertained by this crap.
And just as I’m about to decide whether to change the channel or kill myself, they show a graphic touting their upcoming 1000th episode, and their switch to three hours. First, how the hell did this crap get to a thousand episodes? Second, I literally started crying when I saw this would be on for three hours, because that sounds like hell. It’s like too much of a good thing, only with a very very bad thing.
I love the guy waving the “Most Assuredly” sign during the “YES!” chants.
Why is the champion allowed to make matches? Is he doing the evil GM like the evil secretary must be?
So the Southern announcer says “I’m not trying to be offensive, I’m just pointing out that the Indian guy’s turban looks like a rat-tail.” And then a couple minutes later, the other uses the word “Bookerbonics.” Gee, I wonder why people don’t take wrestling or wrestling fans seriously.
And now the evil GM closes the show by reiterating that he’ll fire anyone who touches him. You know, like how he IMMEDIATELY fired the pasty redhead who ran him right over.
Friday Night Smackdown
I think I have to side with the tag team of two brothers. This “Millions of Dollars” thing is really stupid.
Why does this ridiculously muscled-up guy have a huge black eye? The announcers are indicating that it wasn’t from a wrestling match, which would imply that he got in a fight on the street somewhere, which begs one question. Who the hell would get in a fight with this guy? He looks like he could beat most men to a bloody pulp in his sleep with both arms tied behind his back.
And that was even before I saw the move where he picked two guys onto his shoulders at the same time and slammed them. That was damn impressive.
And they followed that up with the grudge match between the two guys who had the “R-rolling” contest on RAW. Yeah, I can see how that was so important that it required a match to settle the score between the Mexican ring announcer in a tuxedo and the goofy guy with a green sock on his hand.
Did the pasty redhead really just say you shouldn’t have to apologize for hurting someone by accident? Because I think that’s a very good reason to apologize.
I want to log onto this WWE Interactive site just to see how many people are talking about how boring this crap is.
Wow, the announcer with the dreadlocks just said “That’s a victory, he just didn’t get the 1, 2, 3.” Um, not to be argumentative or nothing, but if he didn’t get the 1, 2, 3, then how is it a victory?
This guy who uses all the long words is really boring, but his “unwashed masses” line did crack me up.
And he kind of looks like Jesus with a mullet, so that cracked me up, too. So those two things right there just made this otherwise boring segment one of the best of the show. How sad is that?
So the big guy helping the evil GM win a wrestling match was “the darkest day in the history of the WWE?” Again, not to be argumentative, but what about that day a few years back when that wrestler murdered his whole family? Or that time that other wrestler died on a live show because a stunt went wrong? I get that they’re playing up the importance of their current story, but it comes off as very shallow and dismissive of truly tragic events.
IMPACT Wrestling
So Hulk Hogan’s saying the champion is good, but then he tells all four potential challengers that they could beat him, so he must not be that good.
But then he said the Bully guy hasn’t beaten anybody good this year, so he’s not getting the title shot. So why exactly is Hulk Hogan talking about all his top guys like they suck? You think you would ever hear Dana White announce a title contender for the UFC title by saying “Well, our champion’s allright, but he kinda sucks, so I picked from four contenders to fight him since I don’t want that scrub as my title holder anymore, but one of the possible challengers hasn’t beaten anybody good, so I’m not picking that loser.
You’re telling me the referee for this “women’s” tag match was looking right at the one chick who was holding down her opponent’s legs while her partner pinned her, and he still counted the pin?
Did the Bully guy really have to ask where in the crowd the lawyer guy is? He’s toward the front and is like a foot taller and a hundred pounds bigger than anyone else in the building? How’d he miss him?
How exactly is a wrestling audience that already hates the Bully guy an “impartial jury of his peers?”
And what’s he guilty of? Didn’t they just show a video where the lawyer’s brother was back?
I hate this Gut Check guy already just from this video where he’s talking about his feelings while wearing a scarf with no shirt on.
Why is there only one sign visible at any one time and it always just happens to be appropriate for whatever segment is on, and all the signs just happen to be in the same part of the crowd with the same handwriting? Am I really supposed to believe that out of the whole crowd only one person brought any signs with them, and that one guy brought sixteen different signs?
A match between the 80-year-old Hulk Hogan who was big like 20-30 years ago and another old guy was a great moment in TNA history? Because a match featuring two senior citizens just seems sad to me.
Speaking of Hulk Hogan being old, he told the last two candidates for the title match that he wouldn’t make his decision on who gets the title shot at the last second and that the challenger would have plenty of time to prepare. Except he ended up deciding after the champion was already in the ring and like ten seconds before the match started. Sounds like something my grandpa would do. You know, if he booked matches on a wrestling show. And he said “brother” a lot.
When the announcer said “All pro wrestling is great, but when it’s live it’s REALLY great”, my first thought was “I bet he didn’t watch that live Monday Night RAW a few days ago.
Speaking of which, his emphasizing that they’re going to be live and how much better it will be kind of makes the current show look bad. “Tune in next week for the live show so you don’t have to watch this taped crap anymore!”
So if they allowed the last fifteen minutes of the show for the champion to celebrate his long title reign, isn’t that like having a big neon sign that reminds the audience that the match results are planned ahead of time? Kind of hurts the suspension of disbelief.
Ring of Honor Wrestling
If The Prodigy’s girlfriend and manager cheated to help him beat the Diehard guy in their first match, why are they both allowed at ringside for the rematch?
I get that I’m supposed to be impressed by the Unbreakable guy facing two men in one match, but I’m really not when one of those guys is a midget lumberjack, and the other guy the announcers just said has never had a match on TV before. So even if the Unbreakable guy wins, he just beat two scrubs. Whoopie.
Okay apparently he won’t be beating two scrubs because some random guy just waltzed down to the ring and inserted himself into the match as the little lumberjack’s tag partner when his original partner got hurt. How is that fair? That would be like Blaine Gabbert getting hurt in the first quarter of a Jaguars game, so Tom Brady randomly shows up to play quarterback for the rest of the game to help them out.
Did the English announcer just call some guy a “wanker?” That was worth watching just for that.
Wow, they’re giving away a recent PPV main event world title match on free TV? That seems incredibly stupid. Why would anyone buy their PPV if they give away the biggest match on free TV?
The Final Verdict
Based on this week’s shows and this week’s shows only:
I would be MOST likely to tune in next week to watch IMPACT! Wrestling
I would be LEAST likely to tune in next week to watch Monday Night RAW
Running Total Score:
Monday Night Raw: 5 Most 6 Least
Friday Night Smackdown: 2 Most 6 Least
IMPACT! Wrestling: 8 Most 3 Least
Ring of Honor Wrestling: 2 Most 2 Least
