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If I didn’t watch wrestling…
Much has been said about wrestling companies wanting to reach a bigger audience. The problem with that is they don’t seem to understand that to get a bigger audience, their product should be interesting to people who don’t normally watch it so they want to watch again. Bearing that in mind, I wonder what people who have never watched wrestling would think about this week’s shows. It might go something like this…
Monday Night Raw
Why is this old Grandpa-looking guy strutting to the ring like he’s the captain of the football team?
Did Grandpa really just say that the guy in this week’s PPV main event hasn’t been effective since 1999?
And then after spending half an hour talking about all the reasons he should fire the evil GM, he randomly decided not to fire him if he manages to book an interesting show tonight? So one interesting show is enough to make up for all the terrible things he just listed?
Why is this guy wrestling in a tuxedo? That can’t be comfortable.
If the evil GM is trying to save his job by putting on a good show, why is he booking a guy with a sock on his hand against a guy in a tuxedo?
Oh but he’s got a Justin Bieber t-shirt on underneath! That makes it totally..okay screw it. This crap just sucks and that’s all there is to it.
The Southern announcer teaching us how to order Domino’s pizza online may be the most entertaining thing on this show so far.
Okay I managed to go the next hour without writing anything down, so that means the show has gotten a lot better in the second half. And then the main event bad theatre segment started.
Okay so I’m supposed to take the guy Grandpa said hasn’t been effective since 1999 seriously because he’s a giant now and he wasn’t allowed to be a giant before? That makes no sense at all.
Oh good, the guy with the jorts sauntered out and very helpfully pointed out that same thing so nobody is at risk of taking his PPV opponent seriously.
Why did Grandpa spend three hours talking about how the evil GM deserves to be fired, only to change his mind AGAIN, and decide he won’t fire him if the guy who’s been ineffective since 1999 manages to somehow beat the guy in jorts at the PPV?
This show started out really slow and crappy, got MUCH better through the middle to the point where I almost forgot how slow and crappy the show started, and then the main event segment took a big dump all over that and I remembered again.
Friday Night Smackdown
So the very first segment established that the #1 contender for the World Heavyweight title on Sunday is a joke who always loses, and in the next segment the announcer made sure to point out that even though he’s technically a former world champion, that didn’t really count because he cheated to get the belt and lost it almost immediately. This after Grandpa took a dump on the evil GM’s sidekick by saying he hasn’t been effective since 1999. Way to talk up your talent and sell some tickets.
“Now that we got funky, let’s get down to business.” So a guy who goes by the Funkasaurus and dances like a goof on the way to the ring expects me to forget he’s a goof so he can be serious for ten seconds?
One of the most memorable segments in RAW history was Beaker the Muppet helping the guy with a green sock on his hand win a match? That tells you a lot about this company’s target demographic. Kind of makes me feel like my viewership isn’t wanted.
If the guy who hasn’t been effective since 1999 doesn’t care what the fans think, why did he come out for fifteen minutes to tell us all the exact same sob story he told us on Monday?
Why the hell did the announcer with the dreadlocks just say “Somebody call Child Protective Services!” after the bald jacked-up guy’s win in his handicap match? The match had nothing to do with children.
I can’t say why, but all the big words from the guy that looks like Jesus with a mullet crack me up.
So the guy in jorts is closing the show with yet another long talking segment even though he “wasn’t scheduled to be here.” Well good thing he randomly showed up or they might’ve had to close the show with a wrestling match. Dodged a bullet there.
Why did the guy in jorts have to take his shirt off to punch the evil GM? Do his arms not work when his shirt’s on?
IMPACT Wrestling
Why are the owner lady and her boy toy talking about whether or not to reveal their secret to the world right in front of a cameraman?
Isn’t it a little early to start a competition that will determine who gets a title match in October? Who’s really going to remember everything important that happens now in four months? I mean that would be like starting to run political ads on TV in May for a presidential election that doesn’t happen until November…oh wait…
They’re REALLY pushing this online merchandise anniversary sale.
Their world title match isn’t closing the show?
Are the owner and her boy toy completely oblivious or what? They just had a second private conversation right in front of a cameraman, despite the fact they both looked directly at the camera.
If their first ever Hall of Fame inductee is so popular, why didn’t a single person come out to help him when the three masked guys jumped him? Did everyone who talked about how awesome he was in that video go home early or what?
Ring of Honor Wrestling
If the idea behind a “Fight without Honor” is that there are no rules and anything goes, no matter how underhanded, why are the tag champs criticized for winning said match with an underhanded tactic?
When an announcer in the #3 wrestling company says “Unlike guys in other places, I knew to step away when I couldn’t keep up with the other guys,” it really comes off like sour grapes and/or penis envy of the bigger companies.
The main event match was really, REALLY good, but having interference at the end kind of sucked a little of the wind out of it.
Two shows this week started with wrestling matches (TNA & ROH) and both WWE shows started with long talking segments. I have to say that the two that started with matches kept my attention much better because it felt like something was actually happening and it felt like the show went by much quicker because it got off to a hot start.
It also seemed pretty obvious from the get-go that both non-WWE shows had MUCH livelier crowds than both WWE shows.
The Final Verdict
Based on this week’s shows and this week’s shows only:
I would be MOST likely to tune in next week to watch IMPACT! Wrestling
I would be LEAST likely to tune in next week to watch Friday Night Smackdown.
Running Total Score:
Monday Night Raw: 5 Most 8 Least
Friday Night Smackdown: 2 Most 7 Least
IMPACT! Wrestling: 11 Most 3 Least
Ring of Honor Wrestling: 2 Most 2 Least
