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If I didn’t watch wrestling…
Much has been said about wrestling companies wanting to reach a bigger audience. The problem with that is they don’t seem to understand that to get a bigger audience, their product should be interesting to people who don’t normally watch it so they want to watch again. Bearing that in mind, I wonder what people who have never watched wrestling would think about this week’s shows. It might go something like this…
Monday Night Raw
Just from the first five minutes, this show is apparently about a crazy chick who’s emotionally unstable, talks to herself, and can’t decide which of three guys she wants to hook up with and later stalk. Apparently, my wife changed the channel to the Lifetime Movie Network when I wasn’t looking.
And now they want me to vote for who I want the crazy chick to be with? This is a wrestling show?
Okay, I’ll withdraw my previous two complaints because this three-way match was REALLY good.
They really shouldn’t show the big guy’s “Knockout Punch” in slow-motion, because it makes it look extremely fake. When you see a slow-motion punch from a boxer, you can actually see his opponent’s face twisting and contorting, usually with spit and sweat flying off his face. When this guy’s “Knockout Punch” is shown in slow motion, the opponent’s face doesn’t contort at all, and there’s no spit or sweat, which ends up making the punch look very fake and/or weak.
What’s the point of having the announcers trying to talk up how good a wrestler is and trying to trick the fans into thinking he doesn’t suck when the guy isn’t important enough to have his entrance shown?
As a Star Wars fan, this terrible segment with the guy in jorts comparing everything to Star Wars offends me greatly because it’s so bad; it’s making me like Star Wars less. And if he really wanted to show everyone what a Star Wars geek he is, instead of saying the show has recently been like a “rotten Star Wars episode,” why didn’t he just say it’s been like “The Phantom Menace?”
And when he defended the immaturity of using the word “fudging” by saying most of their audience is nine years old, does that mean I should stop watching? Because I’m a lot older than nine, so it sounds to me like he is completely uninterested in doing anything that might accidentally entertain me.
Did the “Excuse Me” lady really just say “It’s been over two years, so for the first time ever…” when making the main event for the show?
I love the fan sign spelled “Sommer Slam.”
I have no idea what a “Social Media Celebrity Ambassador” is, but it sounds really boring.
The two guys in the “Championship Contract on a Pole” match actually look like they’re fighting NOT to get the contract because it looks extremely deliberate how they keep “slipping” and “dropping” the contract and how they’re just lying down not moving when they’re right next to the contract.
Why is this pasty redhead so happy about having to defend his title against two people instead of one?
I never thought I could be bored watching hot women in bikinis roll around, but this women’s battle royal made that happen.
Friday Night Smackdown
Well, my power was out for the first twenty minutes, so hopefully I didn’t miss anything important that they won’t replay seven times on this show.
So the loud announcer just said the Jersey Shore wannabe guy watches “that stuff like “YouTube” and “Real Housewives.” Not sure what that means as those two things have nothing to do with each other.
Who wants to be the one to tell them they booked Charlie Sheen a solid year after he was old news?
I hear loudly whispering a secret into someone’s ear right in front of a live TV camera is the best way to keep it a secret.
So the announcer with the dreadlocks says “That’s when you gotta get them butterflies to fly in formation.” I don’t know what the hell that means, but I want to put that on a motivational poster for my office at work.
How is a tag team match an appropriate qualifying match for a big PPV match that doesn’t have anything to do with tag teams? It just makes it look like a joke. That would be like the US Olympic track team running a team relay qualifier to determine their 100 meter sprint runners.
The spotlight and accompanying music for the guy doing bodybuilder poses is pretty ridiculous.
As a Futurama geek, I have to say that the “Need a sign? How about Zoidberg?” crowd sign is the greatest thing I’ve seen on any show this week.
Speaking of crowd signs, as a fan of spelling errors, I don’t know which sign I liked better, the “Sommer Slam” sign from RAW, or the “Next Deva’s Champ” sign from Smackdown.
IMPACT Wrestling
I love that the crackwhore said she’d never met the two evil bastards, and then the owner lady corrected her, since the crackwhore apparently forgot what her line was.
Is it supposed to be an insult to call a guy a bully when that’s part of his ring name?
And I have a hard time believing that a guy who’s seven feet tall and three hundred pounds was ever bullied by anyone in school.
Why are they making such a big deal in the Gut Check segments about how hard it is to get signed when four different people all debuted tonight in the X-Division matches?
Wow, first they have a backstage segment where the judges talk about how the Gut Check girl sucks and can’t draw flies, then they tell her she sucks and she’s not ready for a roster spot, but then they give her a contract because she’s a nice person and she eventually might not suck as bad as she sucks now? That seems like kind of a bad decision when they just told their entire television audience that she sucks, she can’t draw flies, and she’s not ready for a roster spot. I’m reminded of the South Park episode in which Stan tells Jay Cutler “I think you suck, but my dad says you might be okay someday.”
Why are the crackwhore and her drama the central part of this show when it’s also the least interesting and least entertaining part of the show?
Ring of Honor Wrestling
Why is everyone talking about “Bob Evans” as though he’s a hundred years old when he doesn’t even look ten years older than his opponent? He’s not old, just pale and unshapely.
What’s the point of ringing the bell repeatedly during post-match altercations to get the wrestlers to stop when it very clearly doesn’t work at all?
I get that the guy saying it is supposed to be a redneck and all, but in 2012, when you, as a company with a TV show, intentionally record and air a performer referring to another performer as a “fruit loop, queerer than a three-dollar bill”, you make yourself look ignorant and low-brow, and you will not be taken seriously by a very large number of people. The sad thing is, they even showed the other redneck brother waving him quiet as he said it, indicating that he knew he was going too far. Yet, the company didn’t think he had and decided that having a performer make derogatory comments about gays makes for good television. That kind of thing can be a distraction from an otherwise good show, and that is a very bad thing because projecting that image can and will turn some people off your product.
The Final Verdict
Based on this week’s shows and this week’s shows only:
I would be MOST likely to tune in next week to watch Friday Night Smackdown.
I would be LEAST likely to tune in next week to watch Ring of Honor Wrestling.
Running Total Score:
Monday Night Raw: 5 Most 8 Least
Friday Night Smackdown: 3 Most 8 Least
IMPACT! Wrestling: 12 Most 3 Least
Ring of Honor Wrestling: 2 Most 3 Least
