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If I didn’t watch wrestling…
Much has been said about wrestling companies wanting to reach a bigger audience. The problem with that is they don’t seem to understand that to get a bigger audience, their product should be interesting to people who don’t normally watch it so they want to watch again. Bearing that in mind, I wonder what people who have never watched wrestling would think about this week’s shows. It might go something like this…
Monday Night Raw
Watching this opening love triangle segment I’m reminded of the South Park episode where they made fun of how overly dramatic everything in WWE is. Like, I wouldn’t be surprised if right now Cartman walked out as the Rad Russian with backup dancers in sun costumes singing about Mother Russia.
Ok, I normally try really hard not to fast forward for the purpose of writing this no matter how bad something is, but after about ten minutes of this love triangle proposal crap, my wife said if I didn’t fast forward I would be sleeping on the couch, so I did.
That’s so convenient that when the announcer flips up the laptop computer, that the Anonymous GM’s email is already displayed and in Microsoft Word format in his email inbox. It’s also convenient that when he already has the laptop open and he gets the “new email beep,” it has automatically displayed in his Microsoft Word formatted email without him having to click anything to open a new email. It’s also convenient that new lengthy emails responding to things that have been said appear within seconds so the audience doesn’t have to…okay you know what? The whole anonymous GM thing is f’ing stupid and I could go on for an hour about how stupid it is, so I’m just going to stop because at this rate I’m not going to make it through two hours of this stink.
Why are people cheering for the pasty redhead for kicking his opponent in the head after their match was over just because he was pissed at somebody else? That seems like a decidedly not nice thing to do.
You mean to tell me that we got twenty minutes of that love triangle double proposal soap opera crap, but when we got to this tag team match, not one of the four people in it were important enough to have their ring entrances shown? This is a wrestling show is it not? And in the time it took me to write that down, the match was over. So on this wrestling show, we get twenty minute soap opera segments and two minute wrestling segments. Awesome.
And now we have Sherlock Douchebag looking through the arena for the Anonymous GM. You know what? I’m turning this off and going to bed. I cannot take any more of this dog crap tonight. Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow if I feel masochistic.
Okay back, let’s try this again. Hopefully by breaking this up into two nights I’ll be able to tolerate it better.
So the announcers are going to have a match, which in itself sounds incredibly boring, but rather than just ask the live crowd if they want to see it (which they’re cheering loudly for), they want me to go online and vote for whether or not I want to watch that? No thanks, if I’m going to have my intelligence and good taste insulted, I’d rather expend as little energy as possible while doing so.
Okay you know what? I’m all rested up and another Sherlock Douchebag segment came on and it’s just as horribly unentertaining as it was last night. I’m really thinking of adding a “When Would I Change the Channel?” feature to this column.
Why did they call for the bell in mid-pin during this tag match with the four former world champions, then not announce the winner? The announcers didn’t even bother to say who won or why the bell was rung in the middle of a three count. Was it considered interference when the big slow guy pulled his opponent off his partner, despite the fact he was a legal participant in the match? What the hell is the point of having a match if you’re not even going to bother telling us who wins and who loses or why you stopped the match prematurely for no apparent damn reason?
Am I supposed to be impressed about them having a lot more episodes than four sitcoms when sitcoms don’t have new episodes every week of the year? Although maybe if this show only ran twenty or so episodes a year it would be more watchable because there wouldn’t be as much obvious filler.
A “You Still Got It” chant for this old guy before the match even started? Really? He hasn’t done anything yet so how can you know if he “still got it” or not? Or are they just chanting that because they would rather watch the old guys than the current stuff? Of course he beat the young guy in like thirty seconds, so whatever.
It’s actually kind of funny that 25% of the online voting audience said no to the announcer match, because typically when people will go out of their way to go online to vote for something, they’re voting for something they like or that want to see. The fact that there were that many people that went out of their way to vote to NOT see this hot mess should tell the WWE something.
Of course the “match” lasted exactly one move anyway, so what was even the point? And if I’m not mistaken, that makes four matches on this show that lasted a minute or less. Which is a good thing, so the thrilling love triangle speeches can have plenty of time to hook me with such riveting drama.
Oh, apparently the point of the announcer match was so Sherlock Douchebag could come out and expose the Anonymous GM as a midget hiding under the ring. That’s great. Now the show is complete.
And now after the main event, we got back to ten more minutes of the double proposal love triangle soap opera. So on this WRESTLING show, we got about ten minutes of actual wrestling, and an hour and fifty minutes of horse sh*t. That’s great. We get freaking love triangles, proposals, old guys spending more time posing than wrestling, some chick talking about lying about being pregnant on a past show, announcer vs announcer crap, Sherlock Douchebag, beeping computers that are apparently connected to the house lighting, and freaking midgets playing under the ring. God, what a waste of time.
Friday Night Smackdown
If the Jersey Shore wannabe is the GM for tonight, why doesn’t he at least book himself a title match?
The sports agent yelling into his mic at ringside during his guy’s match is really annoying and distracting.
But not as annoying and distracting as the announcers repeatedly arguing about nothing.
I love the fan right behind the announce table who has their sign upside-down. I wonder why people assume wrestling fans are morons.
Oh good, I get to watch a twenty minute recap of all the bullcrap that had me pulling my hair out on Monday. Awesome.
When I saw the big, lumbering stiffs who can barely move take ten minutes to get to the ring for their match, I figured it was a good time for a bathroom break.
If one of the “Tout” jagoffs say that their favorite RAW moment was from this week, I might scream.
IMPACT Wrestling
As a DirecTV subscriber, I was unable to watch Impact, so I have nothing to say about it. However, I will say that I wish DirecTV was feuding with USA’s parent company so I wouldn’t have had to watch RAW.
And yes, I know I’ve bitched about RAW a ton, but seriously, that was probably the worst two hours of television I’ve ever seen in my entire life and the idea that if this show had happened in two weeks it would’ve been a three hour show makes me want to vomit. Seriously, if my individual columns had names, this week’s would be “Oh my God RAW sucked this week!”
Ring of Honor Wrestling
Why are the wrestlers in the backstage interview segments dressed up like they’re going to church?
I’m not sure that I would be suggesting that the “Unbreakable” guy’s father was a circus elephant. Mainly because he could probably kick my ass in his sleep.
So how many times is it acceptable for a referee to miss interference in one match before he gets fired for being a terrible referee? Because this Willy-Wonka looking manager interfered in this match so many times that he might as well have been a legal participant in the match.
When other wrestling companies talk about their tours where they go around the world, do you really want to be the company that puts together a long video package bragging about your trip to West Virginia?
If the GM hates the champ so much because he cost them a sponsor because he threatened them, why doesn’t he just strip him of the title for conduct unbecoming or something like that?
The Final Verdict
Based on this week’s shows and this week’s shows only:
I would be MOST likely to tune in next week to watch Ring of Honor Wrestling.
I would be LEAST likely to tune in next week to watch Monday Night RAW.
Running Total Score:
Monday Night Raw: 5 Most 9 Least
Friday Night Smackdown: 3 Most 9 Least
IMPACT! Wrestling: 12 Most 3 Least
Ring of Honor Wrestling: 4 Most 3 Least
