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If I didn’t watch wrestling…
Much has been said about wrestling companies wanting to reach a bigger audience. The problem with that is they don’t seem to understand that to get a bigger audience, their product should be interesting to people who don’t normally watch it so they want to watch again. Bearing that in mind, I wonder what people who have never watched wrestling would think about this week’s shows. It might go something like this…
Monday Night Raw
The guy in jorts cracked me up when he was yelling at the champ saying he needs to earn respect while half the crowd was booing him.
Why does the GM act like putting wrestlers in wrestling matches is a horrible punishment? Isn’t it their job?
Is the pasty redhead really committing grand theft auto on live national TV? Let’s hope no police are watching tonight.
The bald, crazy-looking guy reminds me of Vin Diesel. When he’s not talking, he looks really tough and intimidating. But the second he opens his mouth, you realize he’s a moron, and if you ever got in a fight with him, all you’d have to do would be point behind him and say “Look, it’s the Goodyear blimp!” Then when he turns around, you kick him in the balls and run.
Is there an address I can send a Thank You note to for the guy that looks like Jesus with a mullet to show appreciation for him interrupting the Funkasaurus’s shtick?
Is the Southern announcer really arguing that taking another person’s car without permission and going for a joyride is anything other than stealing, just because he happens to not like the person whose car got taken?
Friday Night Smackdown
So after the pasty redhead stole a car on Monday night and messed it all up, his punishment is...he has to apologize to the guy? Gee, don’t come down on him too hard.
Why is the pasty redhead apologizing to the Smackdown GM for something he did on RAW? And how does something that happened on RAW reflect poorly on the Smackdown GM?
So this first match is happening because the younger guy said the little masked guy only wears a mask because he’s really ugly, and then the announcer started talking about how there is a locker room rumor that the little masked guy really is ugly? Am I watching grown men here or teenage girls? Is a man calling another man ugly supposed to hurt his feelings?
If the bald crazy guy was storming out to the ring to get the tall Indian guy, then why did he stop at the top of the ramp to do his calisthenics, motion for his pyro, glare crazily into the camera, and then walk purposefully toward the ring, giving the tall Indian guy more than enough time to easily get away?
How come when the guy with the 80’s rock star jacket goes to the ring to talk, they lay down a carpet, give him a special TV screen, and call it “The Highlight Reel?” Is that supposed to somehow differentiate this segment from every other segment on the show that’s had some a-hole saunter down to the ring and trade half-assed kiddie insults with people they don’t like and pretend they’re going to fight?
I wonder how you say “Too much damn talking on this show” in five different languages.
So the best way for the new GM to pick the most qualified person to be his assistant is to have the two candidates have a wrestling match and give the job to the winner? Why doesn’t he just look at their resumes and do interviews like normal people do? And why do these two women need to be his assistant anyway when they clearly already have a job of working for this wrestling company? Do they pay their wrestlers that little money that they need to do secretarial work on the side to pay their bills?
IMPACT Wrestling
Wow, where’d the guy in this gang video get that nifty Darth Vader respirator he’s talking into? I want one of those.
Why did they show the video of “Aces & Eights” responding to the GM’s invitation to come on the show before they showed the GM’s invitation to come on the show?
Why is the Jersey Shore ripoff bragging about having five points in the title tournament, when those five points are good for last place? I realize everybody in the Pinewood Derby gets a “Participation” ribbon now, but is last place really something to brag about?
I’m glad I watched this show, if only to hear the line “How bad do you have to be at having sex for someone not to remember having sex with you?”
Damn, how was this really good match between the Olympic gold medalist and the Baby Daddy not even the main event on this show?
Did the champ really just bust out the tired old cliche “Would you like some cheese with your whine?”
Why was there a pitcher of water at the contract signing table? The guys were only at the table for five minutes, how thirsty were they really going to get?
Ring of Honor Wrestling
Am I supposed to feel sorry for the guy who says he has hurt women he loved because he wanted to be a world champion?
I love the graphic saying that the bald Canadian guy in the main event is 42 at the same moment the announcer is talking about being 43. Hooray for not editing.
So they ‘re having an internet PPV this week, and they closed their weekly TV show with the two women facing off in the ring after the main title holders were on earlier? That’s certainly different than how the other shows run.
The Final Verdict
Based on this week’s shows and this week’s shows only:
I would be MOST likely to tune in next week to watch IMPACT Wrestling.
I would be LEAST likely to tune in next week to watch Friday Night Smackdown.
Running Total Score:
Monday Night Raw: 5 Most 11 Least
Friday Night Smackdown: 4 Most 10 Least
IMPACT! Wrestling: 14 Most 3 Least
Ring of Honor Wrestling: 5 Most 4 Least
