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If I didn’t watch wrestling…
Much has been said about wrestling companies wanting to reach a bigger audience. The problem with that is they don’t seem to understand that to get a bigger audience, their product should be interesting to people who don’t normally watch it so they want to watch again. Bearing that in mind, I wonder what people who have never watched wrestling would think about this week’s shows. It might go something like this…
Monday Night Raw
This “Feed Me More, Feed Me More” music is horrible.
Did I really just hear the line “Of all the nights you decide to fly commercial”? Are normal people who don’t have private jets supposed to feel sorry for a super rich person who has a private jet having a flight delay because he went slumming on the “poor people plane?”
Oh boy, some Jersey Shore douchebag is tweeting tonight in a perfect combination of TWO things I have absolutely no interest in so I can not give a crap about both of them at the same time! How convenient!
So the pasty redhead stole the other guy’s car and messed it up, and that’s perfectly fine around these parts, but when the other guy got him back by hiring goons to beat him up, that crossed the line?
So the Twitter poll last week to pick a match was “the most socially active decision in WWE history”? I challenge you to find one person outside the company that gives a rat’s ass about that record.
Did the guy in the kilt really just say that he needed a “refresher” on the guys who were voting options for his “Pit” two minutes before they announced who he was about to interview? He might as well have said “Yeah, I don’t normally follow this crap when I’m not being paid to do so, so just tell me what I need to know to not look like an idiot for five minutes so I can get my check and go home.”
What is the point of having your audience vote for who’s going to be interviewed by the guy in the kilt, when all three options ended up coming out to talk anyway? Doesn’t that kind of tell your audience that next time, there’s no point in bothering to vote?
If “Mr. Hall of Fame” isn’t actually doing anything at the show tonight besides walking around being scared of Brock Lesnar, why doesn’t he just go home?
Did they run short of their expected time? Because the last ten minutes seemed like total filler from the time Brock Lesnar left the stage to the time the cameraman was inexplicably recording people leaving the parking garage for no apparent reason.
And why didn’t the guy who was asking everybody what happened to “Mr. Hall of Fame” ask the cameraman who had been there the whole time?
Why the hell did the “paramedics” get a neck brace and a stretcher for the guy with a “broken arm”? How exactly does a broken arm affect either one’s neck, or one’s ability to walk?
Friday Night Smackdown
I think the “your breath smells like dog poop” insult was more effective when it was said in Spanish (which I don’t speak), because at least then I was able to pretend it was literally any other insult in the world other than “your breath smells like dog poop.”
So because the GM said that the #1 contender didn’t deserve a title shot, he also decided to keep the champion off their big PPV on Sunday? That seems like a pretty stupid idea, unless the champ is a scrub that nobody cares to see anyway.
So the “Undertaker The Streak” DVD is the #1 selling sports DVD in America right now? Exactly what other high-selling sports DVDs released in the middle of August did it beat for such a prestigious honor?
Seriously, do they not realize that these constant self-congratulating, masturbatory statements aren’t fooling anybody? If your product is so great, people will know, because they can see for themselves. You don’t see the NFL having these ridiculous “Did You Know?” statements coming out of their commercial breaks, because they don’t need to tell anybody how great they are. They are, they know it, and everybody else knows it. If you have to tell people that your product is great, it probably isn’t.
Um, are these two dudes stripping before their match? Isn’t this show TVPG? How are wannabe Chippendales kosher on a TVPG show?
The very idea of a wrestling match to determine who gets a job insults my intelligence. Oh well, at least it isn’t a wrestling match to determine the paternity of a child…
Did the announcer really just tell the entire viewing audience that the WWE has “a lot of senior advisors who don’t do anything and don’t have any job responsibilities”? Let’s hope no stockholders are watching this show. Because that seems like the kind of thing that would piss them off.
Am I the only one who got a little uncomfortable when the little Italian guy said “The cobra is in a very special place, but don’t worry, when the time is right, it will be revealed.” Between that and the Chippendales wannabes, I’m wondering how this show is TVPG.
IMPACT Wrestling
Oooooooh, the champ said that anyone who thinks he’s a fluke can drop the “e” and “fluk” themselves. That’s terribly clever.
I hope whatever the Bully guy was saying into the microphone wasn’t important since they cut to commercial while he was talking.
I love the three guys that kept yelling and chanting really loud while everyone else in the crowd was silent during the boring women’s in-ring talking segment with Brooke Hogan babbling about nothing.
Did I just hear this guy say that if he loses a wrestling match he’ll accept parental responsibility of a child that he doesn’t believe is his? Because a paternity wrestling match is soooooo much classier than going on Maury Povich.
Oh good, I was worried about the legality of that match stipulation holding up in court, but the announcer helpfully pointed out that the GM signed off on the paternity stipulation, so it must be legit.
So the former world champ just said that there’s ONE person responsible for him losing the title, and that ONE person is the current champ, the GM, the multiple referees from the match, and anyone that happens to be in the crowd. He’s not very good at math.
In a bit of unintentional comedy, assuming the kids in the picture are all his, if this guy from next week’s Gut Check segment needs to get on the TNA roster because otherwise he doesn’t know how he’s going to provide for all his kids, then perhaps he shouldn’t have had SEVEN of them and THEN started worrying about how he was going to provide for SEVEN kids.
In an even more spectacular bit of unintentional comedy, Brooke Hogan falling off the ramp onto her ass is one of the most hilarious things I’ve seen in awhile. I rewound my DVR and watched it like ten times.
Of course, that probably embarrassed those biker guys from earlier who were trying to intimidate her and then watched the ramp and the floor combine to do what they were unable to.
This special referee chick is getting pretty handsy in this match. Not that I would mind if I was them.
If the wrestlers are all banding together to protect Brooke Hogan from the biker gang that was messing with her, what are they going to do about that damn ramp?
Ring of Honor Wrestling
I get what he’s going for, but the announcer’s comment that losing the world title (which is not even won legitimately in pro wrestling) is like losing a child comes off as very callous to me as a father. I get that it theoretically means that you’re the best at what you do, but if someone really cares as much about an award they get at their job as they care about the life of their own child, then I feel very sorry for that child.
Did the guy with the Willie Wonka hat really just say the word “hogwash”? How old is he?
Did I just hear that this tag team of two brothers in their 20s just came back from Japan bigger, stronger, and taller than they were when they went? How did they get taller in their 20s?
Why do so many wrestlers insist on yelling the names of the moves they’re about to do before they do them? Doesn’t that kind of telegraph to your opponent what you’re about to do? That would be like Tom Brady going to the line of scrimmage and yelling “Wide Receiver Reverse” before the center snaps the ball, only to then run that play. There’s something to be said for the element of surprise in sports.
The Final Verdict
Based on this week’s shows and this week’s shows only:
I would be MOST likely to tune in next week to watch IMPACT Wrestling.
I would be LEAST likely to tune in next week to watch Monday Night RAW.
Running Total Score:
Monday Night Raw: 5 Most 12 Least
Friday Night Smackdown: 4 Most 10 Least
IMPACT! Wrestling: 15 Most 3 Least
Ring of Honor Wrestling: 5 Most 4 Least
