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If I didn’t watch wrestling…
Much has been said about wrestling companies wanting to reach a bigger audience. The problem with that is they don’t seem to understand that to get a bigger audience, their product should be interesting to people who don’t normally watch it so they want to watch again. Bearing that in mind, I wonder what people who have never watched wrestling would think about this week’s shows. It might go something like this…
Monday Night Raw
Why were the tag champs distributing stuffed toys to audience members on the way to the ring for their match? Don’t they have merchandise people for that?
Could the announcers possibly blow any more smoke up the ass of the guy who lost to Brock Lesnar because they think his career is over? They described him as “epic,” “legendary,” and “one of the greatest careers ever” in the span of thirty seconds.
Am I supposed to give a rat’s ass that Khloe Kardashian thinks the little masked guy is probably cute under his mask? Although I am curious how much she paid someone else to watch this crap for her since you know she didn’t watch it herself.
If this Harvard lawyer guy wants to be a lawyer, and he doesn’t want to wrestle, why is he working for a wrestling company instead of a law firm?
How can the skipping GM make a match with a stipulation whereby a guy would be fired if he loses, when she’s only in charge of RAW? Couldn’t the guy just go on the other show since the GM isn’t in charge of that show? And why would a GM make a stipulation like that just for the hell of it anyway? If the guy’s a good wrestler, he shouldn’t be fired for losing one match, and if he sucks, they should fire him for sucking.
And now the skipping GM said she has no authority to make a World Heavyweight Championship match, yet she has the authority to fire a guy from both shows?
And can I just say that it’s only fifty minutes into this show and I’m tired of the skipping GM already?
Does anyone actually think the pasty redhead’s commentary is funny?
Oh good, time for part two of “Let’s blow smoke up the ass of the guy who lost to Brock Lesnar.”
Why did one of the women in this battle royal go to the effort of lifting another girl over the top rope to try and throw her out, only to then pull her back through the ropes back into the ring ten seconds later?
My God, this battle royal is embarrassingly bad to watch.
When people in this company want to say something, are they allowed to just say it? Or are they contractually obligated to Tout it?
So, um, why is the guy who’s been champion for nine months “firmly in the back seat” as everyone says? And why is nobody willing to allow that he might just be the best? Isn’t that kind of what his championship means?
So the guy in jorts just said his speech to tell off the champion, then walked away like a baby without even allowing him a chance to respond to anything? That’s what spoiled brats do who are afraid of being shown to be wrong about something.
Friday Night Smackdown
I just realized that it’s an hour into this show and I’ve written nothing down whatsoever because nothing has stuck out at all and it’s just been one long, boring blur.
Not to be mean, but how come the old cougar lady shows a lot more cleavage than the young hot chicks?
So this Italian guy lost his match at the PPV because his little sock puppet got distracted by the hot European chick? Okay, that’s only marginally less stupid than him giving a pep talk to said sock puppet. But those are both monumentally less stupid than him getting beaten up because once again his sock puppet got distracted by the hot European chick, leading the announcer to remark that the Italian guy and his sock puppet had better get on the same page. My intelligence could not possibly be more insulted right now. Even little kids are smarter than this.
Of course, immediately after I wrote that my intelligence couldn’t possibly be more insulted, they came back from commercial and a guy was leading his imaginary friend to the ring. Touche, WWE. You proved me wrong. Touche.
Am I supposed to believe that hitting a grown-ass man with a shoe would knock him out cold? Because unless there was a brick hiding in that shoe, I find that hard to believe.
IMPACT Wrestling
The guy who described Hulk Hogan as a “big bad bear” forgot to mention “old” and “corny” and “has-been” and “known more to the current generation for Rent-A-Center commercials.”
All I can say about this paternity test segment is that it can’t end fast enough.
Ok, I lied. I can also say “How the hell can they do a paternity test for a baby that hasn’t been born yet?”
And I can also say, wow, did this lawyer really just say ‘On or about the date of January 2012?’ She should probably know that “January” is a month, not a date. Legal stuff should probably be more exact.
Wait, are they telling me the chick isn’t even pregnant? So this guy took a paternity test for a baby that not only hasn’t been born yet, but hasn’t even been conceived yet? Okay, I have officially mentally checked out of this garbage. I can’t take it anymore.
This Gut Check guy is kinda pudgy for someone who just said in the video that he’s so poor and hungry that you can see his ribs. He’s also kinda terrible at wrestling.
If the guy wrestling in the last match on the show was in his last “BFG” series match and he was ten points out of fourth place (which they’ve said repeatedly you need to be to advance), why did he pin his opponent for seven points instead of trying to get a submission for ten? He just flushed his chance to get into the top four down the toilet without even trying. So either he doesn’t care, or he sucks at math.
If everyone wants to know so badly who all the bikers are, why don’t any of the wrestlers even attempt to take their masks off in the spots where they’ve had them beaten down?
I love how not ten seconds after the bikers walked back up the stage they were all shown leaving the arena on their bikes. Either those bikes were all parked immediately backstage or they run like the wind.
Ring of Honor Wrestling
Um, if there was a “contract dispute” with one of their wrestlers, why did they put said wrestler in a title match so they could leave with the title?
If I was the timekeeper and the wrestlers took my table away to use in their match, I’d be pissed.
Why do wrestling announcers say “medical personnel” and “medical facility” instead of “doctor” and “hospital”? Are they trying to sound smarter by using bigger words?
The Final Verdict
Based on this week’s shows and this week’s shows only:
I would be MOST likely to tune in next week to watch Ring of Honor Wrestling.
I would be LEAST likely to tune in next week to watch IMPACT! Wrestling. (And this was a tough call, because between Khloe Kardashian, skipping GMs that won’t go away, sock puppets that can’t get on the same page as the wrestlers, and paternity tests for children that haven’t been conceived, this was a really bad week with some hard-to-watch TV).
Running Total Score:
Monday Night Raw: 5 Most 12 Least
Friday Night Smackdown: 4 Most 10 Least
IMPACT! Wrestling: 15 Most 4 Least
Ring of Honor Wrestling: 6 Most 4 Least
