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By Randall Brown on 10/8/2012 8:50 AM

If I didn’t watch wrestling…
Much has been said about wrestling companies wanting to reach a bigger audience. The problem with that is they don’t seem to understand that to get a bigger audience, their product should be interesting to people who don’t normally watch it so they want to watch again. Bearing that in mind, I wonder what people who have never watched wrestling would think about this week’s shows. It might go something like this…

Monday Night Raw
I just have to say that a “World Championship Debate” sounds incredibly boring.
Perhaps I shouldn’t watch this show on a big-screen HD TV, because my wife just pointed out that one of their girls should probably cover up a bit, because you can clearly see her implant scar.
Isn’t Larry King too old to have a Twitter? And watch this show?
I sincerely doubt that Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are taking notes off this horrible debate segment, despite what the announcers are trying to tell me.
And did the “moderator” just say that it’s “traditional” to begin with an opening statement? Debates are traditional on wrestling shows?
Tell me that the big guy did not just smell his own armpit on national TV, then complain that the pasty redhead isn’t taking him seriously.
Wow, the crowd got REALLY pissed off when the “Feed Me More” guy couldn’t lift the fat white guy who thinks he’s Japanese.
How exactly does it take three guys to beat up one guy who wears a green sock puppet on his hand?
If the GM was mandated by her bosses to get the “Executive Coach,” then how does she have the authority to get rid of him?
It’s a good thing they just happened to have a spare female referee outfit in exactly the GM’s size just laying around so she had something to wear when she spontaneously decided to ref the main event.

Friday Night Smackdown
Why does the guy with the imaginary friend do three dance moves for every one actual wrestling move he does? Or are splits, jumps, and pirouettes that don’t actually hit your opponent actually wrestling moves?
This women’s match has probably only lasted a couple minutes, but it’s so bad it feels like it has lasted for an hour.
Did I just hear that the pasty redhead was bullied as a child growing up in Ireland because of his red hair and pale skin? Do they really expect me to believe that? Have these people ever seen any Irish people? That would be like saying an American child was bullied because of his blond hair and blue eyes.
I love that the announcers pointed out that the Harvard Law grad is undefeated in court, but made sure to point out that he basically sucks in the ring and can’t beat anybody. Sounds like he made the right career choice to stay away from something he’s good at so he can be a tomato can.
Am I supposed to be impressed with the big guy and the pasty redhead attacking each other’s opponents? Why?
Why do so many theme songs in this company repeat the same phrase over and over so much? Is it the same reason the talking segments repeat the same words and phrases so much? Do they assume I’m a moron and won’t remember what was said?

IMPACT Wrestling
If the guy in the face paint is watching all the matches tonight to see who he wants as his tag partner, why is he watching them on a tiny portable TV in the back instead of out in the arena?
Tell me they didn’t just name drop George Clooney and his girlfriend to try and sound more important when they have nothing to do with this show?
The 70’s porn star wannabe is such an over-the-top sleazeball I just have to laugh.
Why are people chanting “Eddie” for this match in which there are no participants named Eddie?
Why are they showing a backstage segment of a supervisor yelling at the guy who runs the live events? Broadcasting that seems like kind of an unprofessional thing to do.
I’m really afraid to say this, because he could obviously beat my ass without even trying, but the MMA fighter guy looks a little ridiculous coming out with his little cape and his little crown that looks like he stole it from one of the girls on “Toddlers & Tiaras.”

Ring of Honor Wrestling
I should’ve played a drinking game for every time the announcers used the phrase “killer instinct” in the opening match.
Did the announcer really just say it’s a mistake NOT to curbstomp somebody? That seems a bit brutal.
I cracked up at the fan with the sign that said they paid to see the guy doing guest commentary and signed it “Nobody Ever.”

The Final Verdict
Based on this week’s shows and this week’s shows only:
I would be MOST likely to tune in next week to watch IMPACT! Wrestling.
I would be LEAST likely to tune in next week to watch Monday Night RAW.

Running Total Score:
Monday Night Raw:             6 Most 14 Least
Friday Night Smackdown:   4 Most 14 Least
IMPACT! Wrestling:              20 Most 4 Least  
Ring of Honor Wrestling:     6 Most 4 Least