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If I didn’t watch wrestling…
Much has been said about wrestling companies wanting to reach a bigger audience. The problem with that is they don’t seem to understand that to get a bigger audience, their product should be interesting to people who don’t normally watch it so they want to watch again. Bearing that in mind, I wonder what people who have never watched wrestling would think about this week’s shows. It might go something like this…
Monday Night Raw
Did the guy in jorts really just say he had no idea what was going on recently until he wasn’t on the show himself so he actually watched it?
And did he really follow that up by talking extensively about another man’s nipples?
Am I correct in my understanding that the Funkasaurus’s match isn’t going to happen because his opponent’s imaginary friend is a little horn-dog who’s presently going through puberty and wants to dance with the Funkadelics? God, I felt dumber just writing that sentence.
Oh, but fortunately, the chairman told them all to get out of the ring so he could give the “State of the WD” address, during which he made fun of how stupid that segment was, then said “But there’s room for that here.” Then after watching all that crap and some guy talking about another man’s nipples, the chairman told me that what they mostly have is action. I’m calling shenanigans.
And now they’re doing a match between the old chairman and the champion of the company? That sounds like it will be extremely one-sided and boring.
I love Arnold Schwarzenegger, but unless he Tweets with the same hilarious accent that he talks with, I don’t need to hear what he’s Tweeting.
Okay the announcers keep talking like every five minutes about how the chairman is such a super businessman that he put Ted Turner out of business, but last I checked, Ted Turner is still rich as hell and owns plenty of businesses. So I’m calling shenanigans on this one, too.
Wait a minute, why is the champ telling his manager not to worry. That he’ll “find a way” to beat the old-ass chairman? I would hope the company’s champion doesn’t need to “find a way” to beat an old man. Call me crazy, but I don’t think the UFC champ would need to “find a way” to beat Dana White in a match, and Dana White isn’t even old.
Um, is the European guy with the apparently huge nipples supposed to evoke some sort of irrational xenophobic hatred in me by saying he doesn’t like American chili cheese fries and making honest observations such as that Americans have a high rate of obesity? Because that doesn’t bother me at all.
Now not only is the champ talking about “finding a way to win” against a senior citizen, he’s now afraid to fight him and is trying to talk his way out of the match? How did such a giant pussy get to be the champion? And why am I supposed to want to watch a giant pussy fight an old guy?
Why would the Showoff guy randomly pick a fight with Arnold Schwarzenegger on Twitter? Did Arnold bang his mom? Or did he just wake up really bored one day and decide to pick a fight with the Terminator on Twitter for no apparent reason?
Why the hell is Larry King on set to do his crappy talk show? And why did he bring his wife with him?
Are you kidding me? Not only did this company’s champion have to brainstorm to “find a way to win” against Grandpa. Not only did he try to talk his way out of the match like a total pussy. Not only did he have to cheap shot Grandpa from behind. Not only was he cowering away from Grandpa during the match. But he had to beg off and then nut-shot Grandpa to avoid getting his ass totally handed to him by a senior citizen? Are you freaking kidding me? I realize that wrestling isn’t a legit sport and it requires some suspension of disbelief, but this is just insulting. And if Grandpa is such a hardass, why isn’t he the champion? This crap is just inexcusably terrible.
Friday Night Smackdown
So they’re telling me a world champion boxer’s punch can reach 776 psi, but this big fat guy’s half-speed punch came in at 1809 psi? So right out of the gate they’ve beaten me over the head with how ridiculously over-the-top fake this all is. That must be the theme of this week. We’ve had old guys beating the hell out of the champion, a fat guy who punches half-speed more than double what boxing champions do, and a guy ripping up his script because he doesn’t like it. Unbelievable. I have felt so dumb watching these shows this week.
This fat white guy who thinks he’s Japanese should either wear bigger wrestling shorts, or smaller fat guy underpants, because wrestling while your undies are sticking out from underneath your shorts is not a very intimidating look.
Speaking of feeling dumber watching this crap, now I get to see an Indian guy with a turban playing air guitar in the “three misfits randomly thrown together for no apparent reason” segment.
Did this announcer just reference the 1985 Bears doing the Super Bowl shuffle? What about this show is marketed toward anybody who would actually remember the 1985 Bears?
If the Mexican aristocrat is so rich, and he could’ve gone to the Sydney Olympic games on Mexico’s wrestling team except they didn’t have enough money to send a team, then why didn’t he donate enough money to send the team? Because if I had a buttload of money and the only thing holding me back from competing in the Olympics was the government not having enough money to send me, I’d be getting out the checkbook.
IMPACT Wrestling
Is “King Mo” supposed to be a name that strikes fear into the heart of his opponents? Because to me that name conjures a mental picture of a six-year-old kid playing pretend with a Burger King crown.
If the Bully guy is already booked for the big PPV tag match on Sunday, why exactly does he need Hulk Hogan’s blessing?
Since when is Brooke Hogan “Hollywood elite?” She’s a reality show celebrity brat with a failed music career. She’s a poor man’s Kelly Osbourne.
Didn’t they say earlier that the Bully guy’s match with his partner against the tag champs would be the main event? Because that match is starting at 8:55, so that’s a hell of a long main event.
I can’t begin to tell you how creepy it was hearing the old announcer say “ass-tastic.”
Wow. Did the champ really just show the audience the script for his talking segment and say he refused to say what the writers were telling him to say? Are you kidding me? Did he really just close the show by telling the audience that everything you’ve just watched for two hours is a bunch of fake crap, but what he’s about to say is real? Way to crap all over the suspension of disbelief.
Ring of Honor Wrestling
I don’t think washing one’s mouth out with Lysol is a good way to get rid of the No Fear guy’s cooties, as the hot redhead seems to think. I think putting Lysol in one’s mouth would lead to a hospital visit.
This guy probably shouldn’t be wearing a Metallica shirt for his in-ring talking segment. They’re liable to file a suit for lost royalties or unjust enrichment or some such thing, as they are wont to do.
I’ve heard the word “hoopla” more in this talking segment than I have in the last year? And why are guys younger than me using the word “hoopla” when the last person I heard use it was my grandpa?
If the fat scraggly champion’s goal is to kill the company for whatever reason, what exactly is he doing to accomplish that other than yelling, being fat, and not shaving? Or is it like Stewie from Family Guy where he constantly talks about wanting to kill Lois but never actually does anything about it?
The Final Verdict
Based on this week’s shows and this week’s shows only:
I would be MOST likely to tune in next week to watch IMPACT! Wrestling.
I would be LEAST likely to tune in next week to watch Monday Night RAW.
Running Total Score:
Monday Night Raw: 6 Most 15 Least
Friday Night Smackdown: 4 Most 14 Least
IMPACT! Wrestling: 21 Most 4 Least
Ring of Honor Wrestling: 6 Most 4 Least
