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By Adam Cardoza on 5/7/2022 6:25 PM

SlapFight Championship “Undisputed”


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From an undisclosed location deep inside a loading dock in Parts Unknown, we have a huge Light Heavyweight Showdown between long time kingpin Wolverine and surging tournament champion White Simba. The Space Cowboy Jason Jordan is your announcer. Kyron Bowen is your referee. JT Tilley is your commentator. Let’s go!

Match 1: Young James vs Bayou Bastard

A fan favorites showdown. Bastard really wants to find his way into the top 10 pound for pound rankings, as Young James wants to turn his recent fortunes around and get his title back. Young James wins the coin toss.

Round 1: Young James comes from the bottom and Bastard flinches. Young James also picks up a warning for stepping. Huge crack from Bastard but James is a rock.

Round 2: solid slap from James. Bastard right back to the barrel. Bastard with a hard squat swing and Young James staggers hard. He gives a thumbs up and needs a moment.

Round 3: Good slap. Bastard almost flinched but they don’t call it. Bastard with a good return, the ear cotton goes flying again.

Round 4: bam. Young James hits hard. Bastard hits back harder. James gives the hang loose but I think Bastard is winning here so far.

Round 5: James swings hard. Bastard is just eating there and is right back to the barrel. Bastard with another good one and Young James nods with approval.

Round 6: Young James with the best shot of his match so far. Bastard right back tho.   Solid shot but James is stone faced.

Round 7: Decent shot from Young James but he picks up another stepping penalty. Bayou Bastard declines the penalty and free shot. He lands a huge slap and James staggers again. 

Round 8: big crack of a slap but Bastard is right back to the barrel. Young James picks up another stepping penalty. Bastard can’t decline this one. Bastard accidentally clubs to the neck and gets warned.

Round 9: bastard winds up for his slap-free round. Good shot and Young James clears the cobwebs.

Round 10: Young James winds up for the final round and hits great but I don’t think it’s enough. Bayou Bastard hits a final slap, James eats it. We go to the judges but I think this is in the bag.

Winner: Bayou Bastard (by Judges Decision)

Match 2: The Hulk vs Aloha Samurai & The Demon (Survival Match)

The Hulk won the Armageddon super heavyweight tournament previously and he wants to win two fights in the same match? We have a never before seen Handicap match? Hulk must beat both opponents within 10 total rounds. This is wild. Aloha Samurai is first up against Hulk…but Hulk wins the coin toss so he’s got the advantage early.

Round 1: Hulk lands clean and Aloha steps back a little. Aloha lands great but Hulk eats it.

Round 2: Hulk gets Aloha back to the barrel quick. He winds up and KO’s him with a well placed high velocity slap to the chin. The Demon comes in to take his partner’s place.

Round 3: The Demon is also making his debut tonight. He watched what Hulk just did. He looks a little concerned. He gets to go first at least. Good hit from Demon but Hulk wants more. Good hit and Demon takes a few steps.

Round 4: huge loud bomb from Demon. Hulk smiling big after that. Demon picks up a stepping violation. Hulk swings but kind of paintbrushes Demon.

Round 5: another solid shot from Demon and Hulk staggers HARD. He almost went out! Demon picks up another stepping violation. Hulk gets two shots. If he gets his head together, he might have this. Hulk  lands and Demon staggers. Demon picks up a flinching warning.

Round 6: Hulk lands good again but picks up a stepping violation. Demon back to it…hard shot and Hulk wobbles. But we’re not done…

Round 7: Demon does not like these slaps but he’s still on his feet. Demon swings and connects hard. Hulk drops! Demon picks up another stepping violation. Hulk back to his feet but he cant stand up and the ref calls it off. Because a penalty was involved and Hulk can’t continue, the whole match is thrown out. Welp.

Winner: No Contest

Match 3: Black Lung vs The Guardian

Where did this match go? Instead of showing it, they show a highlight clip of SlapFight’s top 10 KO’s of 2021. They went through all the intros for this match. Black Lung was AT the barrel…The Guardian is set to come out…and then they cut to the video and go right to the next match? I’ll have to investigate here. 

Match 4: Frank the Tank vs Darius the Destroyer(c) (Heavyweight Title Match)

I feel like this one is already decided based on Darius’ record (especially against Frank repeatedly). The champ wins the coin toss. 

Round 1: big shot and Frank staggers back into his cornerman. Technical knockdown. Darius takes a huge shot and has to step for supper.

Round 2: Darius uncorks another bomb and Frank staggers back into his cornerman again. Frank lands another big shot and Darius steps again.

Round 3: Darius winds up and Frank staggers into his cornerman again. Frank never left his feet but 3 technical knockdowns still ends the fight for the challenger. 

Winner: Darius the Destroyer (TKO)

Apparently, the Guardian went MIA for his match (like he legit didn’t show up at the time of the fight) Black Lung wants a fight. Stepping in as a replacement is Bayou Bastard, who wants another fight tonight! Bayou is allowed to do this because BL is a lefty so Bastard will be taking shots on the cheek he didn’t get slapped on already. Bastard wins the coin toss.

Match 5: Black Lung vs Bayou Bastard

Round 1: Bastard lands solid and Black Lung looks grumpy about that shot. Great velocity from Black Lung on this shot but he picks up a stepping warning.

Round 2: Good swing but it’s not on point and Bastard picks up a clubbing violation. Black Lung swings hard and lands right on the neck. In addition to the clubbing penalty, he picks up a second stepping violation.

Round 3: Hard shot from Bastard and Black Lung has to walk that one off. He swings hard again, off mark and blatantly clubbing. The barrel goes flying over. Black Lung loses his round 4 slap. 

Round 4: Bastard picks up another club. The ref calls a timeout due to an issue with Black Lung’s tooth. 

Round 5: We watch a highlight reel of the main event. Both fighters probably got a talking to about accuracy as we return for Round 5. Bastard lost his slap for this round so really the penalties cancel each other out. Black Lung lands a great shot on Bayou. 

Round 6: Bayou does hit as Black Lung visibly flinches and picks up a warning. Black Lung has gotten warned for everything now. Bastard eats another hard shot!

Round 7: another flinch from Black Lung and Bastard barely connects.

Round 8: great shot from Bastard but Black Lung takes the shot. Black Lung steps again on his swing and the barrel flies again.

Round 9: Good shot from Bastard. Black Lung is unhappy with his situation, who has lost another slap.

Round 10: Good shot from Bayou. Black Lung needs a KO. Hard slap but Bayou eats it. The barrel wobbles yet again and it’s pretty clear who takes this.

Winner: Bayou Bastard (Judges Decision)

Main Event: Wolverine(c) vs White Simba (for the Light Heavyweight Title)

The Light Heavyweight Champ defends his prized against the impressive but not entirely battle-tested White Simba. White Simba has talked a LOT of trash about being the next chosen one and the champ being overrated. He even released a diss track ahead of the match. Time to see how good those chins are. White Simba is a tennis pro with a new technique and reminds me a LOT of Highlander’s Kurgen. In the interviews, Both men are very confident in their chances. Wolverine has shaved his beard again to give White Simba no excuse. I really think the coin toss could decide this. Wolverine is not looking Simba in the eye. White Simba wins the toss…let’s see how this goes.

Round 1: White Simba winds up with that wacky loose-wrist tennis swing of his. It’s different but has proven effective so far. Wolverine eats the slap, he winced slightly but he is otherwise unmoving. The champ readies up immediately. Wolverine swings hard and White Simba flinches hard. Wolverine coming in so fast and almost wipes out the barrel on this miss and is visibly angered at the flinch. 

Round 2: White Simba waits this out. He’s playing mind games, making Wolverine wait. Simba unloads another Big shot. Wolverine staggers only slightly but he’s good. Time to go to work. Wolverine swings hard and connects this time. White Simba goes right down. He’s teetering back to his feet and trying to recover in time as Wolverine stares a hole through him. Emotions are HIGH.

Round 3: White Simba isn’t quite sure what round it is. He looks very unsure of himself. He’s readying for his third slap for a long time. It’s not a mind game this time…he’s rocked. Big club to the neck on this round as Simba’s accuracy is VERY not on point. Wolverine isn’t that mad this time as he winds up and puts Simba on his ass again.

Simba is back up and trying to ready for Round 4 but he has a convo with the ref and decides to verbally submit to the champion. They fist bump, finally acknowledging each other with a show of some respect.

Winner: Wolverine (by Verbal Submission)

Adam Cardoza is a regular contributor to PWInsider. He can be found on Twitter as @juliusblaise. Please listen to or go see his band DnA’s Evolution because it would make him happy to get the support: www.